I'm writing this on the bus to work (Marks and Spencer have given me another contract - until March) because I've just posted a Facebook status about being happy to be alive and I wanted to elaborate on that a bit. It may be to with having followed a link that a friend sent me about jobs for writers, and thinking of maybe sending off a CV, but I think that that sort of optimism is another symptom, just like sitting on the bus feeling happynervous at the thought of experiencing 5th January 2011 for the first and only time.
Yesterday I was thinking about dipping one's toe into life, rather than diving in and becoming submerged, and thinking that I have to get fully immersed, fully alive, as a matter of urgency. It occurs to me that a good description of how I feel this morning would be the sensation of standing on the edge of the pool, having decided to jump - that delicious mix of agency and dread: this may not be entirely wise, safe and comfortable, but it is deliberate - and it might even be fun.
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