This is not a "niche" blog. This is everything that makes me, me - or at least the bits I write down. There's no such thing as a "niche" person.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Absence of anything

Sorry I've not posted much. The thing with being depressed is that I'm, well, depressed. One result of this is that I don't feel much like blogging. Or to be more accurate, I do feel like blogging but I don't actually get around to it, because doing anything, even stuff I want to do, feels like too much effort and I put everything off that I possibly can.

So anyway, there you go.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Tired

I went to bed at 11.30 last night. I got up at 6.30 this morning, went back to bed at 9.00 and slept until midday. I then dozed some more until about 1.30 when I reluctantly got up. I'm still tired.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Ups and downs

One of the things I really hate about depression is that when I have a down couple of days, it feels so much like things will never improve. If I was down all the time, or if I had an Eeyore personality, then I presume either I'd think that things might get better one day, or I'd give up entirely. But when I have a few good days, or a good week, and then go back to feeling sluggish, lethargic and hopeless, it feels so much worse. I guess that one of the first things to go in a down spell is the belief that I can do anything about it. Being happier seems to go along with feeling more in control, more able to get things done. Being down inevitably goes with feelings of being overwhelmed, of not being able to make anything better, no matter how much I want to.

Hope springs eternal, just not very high.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Well I haven't been here for a while

Bah. I am so tired, I am flicking through Facebook pages without any clear idea of what I think I'm doing there. I can't go to bed for at least another hour because I have to pick up Daniel from Emfest at about 11pm, and then go up to Park Gate to bring Benjamin and Reuben home from roleplaying. Bah, bah and bah again.

On the other hand, I'm 90% sure that I want to train as a plumber with these people after their rep came to see me today. I need to do a bit more checking out about whether it is as good as they say, but it looks as though I might be able to change career.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Me in a nutshell

I read hopeful, inspiring books on Christian spirituality so that I can spot myself in the negative descriptions of what not to do or what happens when things go wrong; so I can think "Yep, that's me. Wow, am I messed up!"

And nine times out of ten if I see someone I know in Tesco I look the other way and pretend I haven't seen them.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Talk Like A Pirate Day

Today is Talk Like A Pirate Day, which explains why my oldest son went off to college looking like this

I think that the red eye only improves the close up picture

Monday, September 17, 2007

Friendships

I've just finished reading Donald Miller's "Blue Like Jazz", and can't wait to turn back to the beginning and start reading it again. Sometimes I love the way that God works. I decided to check my hotmail and there was a message from the library to say that one of the three books that I ordered on inter-library loan had arrived, so over I went to the Library to find that Redcar and Cleveland Library Service had very kindly lent me their copy until 7th December. So I decide to have a quick look through, and what do I find, but a whole load of engagingly-written stuff about loving enemies, about how self-discipline doesn't get you anywhere without allowing yourself to be loved by God, about how it feels to be pretty much totally obsessed with yourself and your own needs and how destructive this turns out to be? Wow. All the stuff I've been thinking about recently, tied together and expressed much more eloquently than I could have done.

Anyway, I was walking back over from the Library when I had a sudden thought. For a long time I've had issues about the way that the Church repeats Jesus's idea of God being a father, sometimes without much consideration for the growing numbers of people who have either no experience of having a father, or have had very bad experiences involving fathers. I think that we as a church need to be careful to say that when you know your dad isn't perfect, that's because in some way you're comparing him to what you think a perfect dad should be like, and that idea of the perfect Dad is one way of understanding God. Anyway, I was crossing the road and thinking (as is my habit) moderately miserable thoughts about friendships and how rubbish I am at them and never really believe that people actually like me (apologies to anyone who is reading this who considers themselves to be my friend: it's not you, it's me), when it occurred to me that if people who have issues about "God is like a Dad" need some extra care, then maybe people like me might well have some issues around "My Friend Jesus". Now, I know that this sounds pretty basic, duh, but it has never ever occurred to me before that if I spend my life thinking that some people like me and quite a lot of people tolerate me, but friendships are things that only happen to other people, then it might conceivably affect the way I look at my relationship with God. Because I don't keep in touch with people (the only person from my past who I have any contact with - excluding a couple a generic Christmas letters - is my friend Julie who sent me an email a couple of weeks ago, after not hearing from me for about four years: apart from that I have no friends from school, from previous jobs or homes or churches) I assume that nobody would want to keep in touch with me. There is nobody I would call on in a crisis or ring up to ask if they wanted to go for a drink. And I assume that God has the same kind of relationship with me, which I know intellectually is weird and wrong but nevertheless I will go away and think about this some more.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Extemely lucky

I'm sitting here in my kitchen, typing on my work laptop which is attached to my home wireless network, having drunk a couple of espressos and eaten far too many chocolate biscuits, and although this is a treat rather than an everyday occurence, it occurs to me that globally speaking I am part of a tiny privileged minority.

Maybe I should be mindful of this more often.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Enemies

I've been thinking off and on about the whole idea of loving enemies. We're instructed to do this, but I feel that individually and as a church we're not very good at it. We don't have intercession prayers for those who mistreat us, and while doing good to others by, for example, supporting Fair Trade is important, we don't give much priority to doing good to those who hate us. Part of the problem might be defining who our enemies are. Is it the person who steals our credit cards or the gang that shouts out abuse at us? Is it the boss who takes advantage of us or the older kids at school who bully us? Is it the transnational corporation that pumps images we don't want at us or is it consumer culture that encourages debt and reliance on the things of this world? I try now and then to pray for people who do things I don't like or approve of, and if there's a story on the news I sometimes pray for the perpetrators as well as the victims of outrages, but I struggle with knowing what practical love for enemies would look like. And what does it mean for the church? My impression is that we might pray for people who do wrong to see the error of their ways, or pray for justice (which often means hoping that people who hurt us will get punished), but we seldom, if ever, pray for blessings on those who curse us.

I don't have an answer for this. Should the church give some money to Stonewall or send Richard Dawkins a birthday card? Seriously, it's easier to define the church's enemies globally and nationally (those who persecute christians, organisations that promote anti-religious propaganda), but how do we decide who our enemies are locally so that we can go out and do good to them?

I don't know... maybe this is just me getting on my high horse; maybe if I went to the Monday night prayer meeting I'd find that they regularly pray for enemies there. But the idea won't leave me alone. Hmmm. Maybe I should mention it to PV. Or not (at least until I manage to get to a Monday prayer group).

Thursday, August 30, 2007

A bit of thinking

A lot of the things I've been reading recently around "emergent" Christianity have brought my thinking back to ideas around why we often do things wrong, and why we should bother trying to do things right. Of course, this isn't an emergent idea as such, or even a Christian one, but I've found that the books and web pages that I've looked at have generally been concerned with how to live as a Christian today, and that includes revisiting some of these old questions. One of the main reasons for re-examining basic ideas like this is the move to what has been called "post-Christendom": a society in which Christianity is once more a minority religion and it is no longer the case that politicians and policy-makers "should" make decisions based on Christian values simply because a small group of people say so. So the moral and ethical standards that were part of society in the culture of Christendom are no longer taken for granted, and we have to ask similar questions to those asked by the Early Church, including variants of "Why shouldn't I just do what everyone else is doing (especially since they seem to be enjoying it so much)?" Of course, this applies, and has always applied, on a personal as well as a social level: "What does it mean to live a good life?" and "Why is it important?" are for every single person to answer in a way that makes sense to them. I think that the Good News is that there is a way to find an answer that makes sense; I also think that the questions have to be asked.

I feel like the church is trying hard to keep going with a Christendom mindset, that they are telling people what they must and should do, with the threat of a punishment in Hell that a lot of people don't believe in or the promise of a reward: either in a heaven that people don't believe in either or in a life of contentment and purpose that people feel they can attain in dozens of other ways without having to believe in anything at all.

And that, I think, is the problem: the church tells people what they have to believe, and makes decisions (or says that God makes decisions) based on what they believe. The question "Have you accepted Jesus as your saviour?" is a question about what you think is true. Now I'm sure that we are saved by faith - but this is faith as opposed to deeds, not faith that saves us by affirming a credal statement. I have no idea about whether or not God will make decisions at the Last Judgement that involve a record of whether people acknowledged Jesus as Lord, but there is some evidence that that won't be the only criterion. And a church that preaches salvation only as going to Heaven, or as being saved from Hell, has already lost those who don't believe in Heaven and Hell, just as a church that tells people they can be happy now will be told that sex or drinking or friends or career satisfaction is making people happy enough thank you very much. I did a talk a while back about Paul being happy that Christ was being preached, no matter what the motivation of the preacher; I mentioned then that I think our testimonies and our example do not transform people's lives; it is Jesus Christ that does that. And more and more, as I read and think about this, I become convinced that religion doesn't save people. Christianity never changed anyone. All the teaching and preaching and Bible reading in the world has never transformed a single life. Jesus does. Jesus saves us; Jesus changes us; Jesus transforms us. We do not become better people (whatever that means) by trying harder: we become the people we are intended to be through a relationship with the one who made us. We don't feel better or happier or richer or healthier by following the rules: our lives get closer to the picture of the way we should live that is in the Bible the closer we are to God. If a husband loves his wife (that is, he puts her wishes and needs before his own), then he will not be unfaithful; if he puts his own needs and wishes first, then it is more likely. If someone loves God, (that is, she puts His requirements and wishes before her own), then she will truly desire to follow the moral code as taught by Jesus; if she puts herself first then it is so much easier to follow whatever seems most attractive at any given moment.

I know that I have a lot more thinking to do about this, and that many many people have thought through all this before, often more coherently. But I really think that unless we get back to telling people less about church and more about Jesus, unless we follow Jesus instead of just following the rules, unless we give up trying to change and instead let ourselves be changed, then we, as a church, as the Body of Christ and his representation here on earth , have already failed in the mission he gave us.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

I would never have thought of that

This article from the BBC discusses how technology may one day be able to replicate the systems that have evolved in geckos to allow them to walk up walls. Apart from reminding me how amazing the world is, it also amused me with the final sentence:
"people would probably suffer from muscle fatigue if they tried to stick to a wall for many hours"
Wow. Incredible. Thank goodness the science department at the BBC is here to tell me these things.
In other news, Katrina and I decided that we could take on slightly increased repayments, and so took the credit card out and bought a couple of new settees and some bits for the PC. I'm sure the settees are a good buy; the suite we've got was Amanda's cast offs when they bought their new suite, and it won't last long enough for us to save up to buy a new one outright. We decided to go for the mid-priced one that will hopefully last us the next five years rather than the really nice one that would have lasted longer but would have stretched the budget to the limit. PC stuff I think was worth getting: a new keyboard because the old one had several keys sticking also has the advantage of being a little quieter so Daniel's frantic typing on MSN won't drive us mad with the constant clacking of keys; the new graphics card looks smoother and when we tried it out on Sims 2 we didn't get the annoying flickering floors that we've had before; hopefully the more powerfully wireless router will mean fewer dropped connections on my N95 when the boys are playing games over the network, but we'll have to see. The only problem at the moment is the Netgear Storage Central which I've plugged in as per instructions but which the bundled software refuses to find. This hopefully isn't insurmountable but it's a pain to have to go through the whole uninstall/reinstall/take it to pieces and check the connections/do it all again with the firewall off/try it on each PC palaver that will take up my time when what I really want to do is just move all the media files that are filling up my hard drives onto one networked drive for everyone to access.
You'd think that even with my fairly limited experience I'd have learned that "Three simple steps" printed on the box actually means "A minimum of three steps if you have exactly the same conditions as we had in our labs; otherwise somewhere between three and forty-eight complicated steps with lots of backtracking". I just want to believe that it's going to be easy. And that humans can hang on walls for hours.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

On the other hand...

I've just seen the following quotation here, and it fits beautifully with some thinking I've been doing about the idea of pilgrimage. If I ever get asked to do a talk at church again, that's what I'll talk about.

"To journey without being changed is to be a nomad. To change without journeying is to be a chameleon. To journey and be transformed is to be a pilgrim." – Mark Nepo

P.S.

And my knee hurts.

Work

Have I moaned recently about how much I hate my job? Moan, moan, moan, etc. Unfortunately saying "I hate my job" is simply a bit of convenient buck-passing; a way to avoid how I actually feel. This is easier to spot when someone asks me what I hate about my job. Is it the hours? The people? The amount of work? The environment? Do you have a horrible boss? At this point, if I'm being honest, I have to say that for the money I'm earning, the job is wonderful: regular hours (yes, there's an expectation that you will work evenings and weekends, but if you don't, nothing bad happens) - I work more or less 9-5 Mon-Fri and don't take work home with me; there is plenty to do, but nothing that I couldn't do in my working hours if I actually got on with it; I share a modern, well-designed and comfortable office with a whole bunch of people who are generally pleasant - I wouldn't call any of them friends - but then I can't think of anyone I've worked with in the last eight years or so who I would consider a friend; my boss is supportive well beyond the bounds of what she has to do in employment law. So what's the problem? The problem is that I feel anxious and miserable at the thought of going to work, and when I'm at work I spend most of my time wishing that I weren't there or putting off doing what I'm supposed to be doing because I feel so anxious and horrible that I want to run out of the door. And if it's not the work or the working conditions, that means it must be me. But then again, I don't feel this bad when I'm not at work: insecure and generally having a low opinion of myself, yes, but not feeling this bad.

The likelihood is that it's a combination of factors, or that I've learned to associate particular feelings with certain environments or behaviours, or that I can successfully project my negative feelings onto work. (All that money spent on therapy over the years wasn't wasted then!) The question, as always, is: What am I going to do about it?

And this is the point at which I run out of useful ideas. Yes, every morning I pray for the strength and the ability to put in a productive day at work, and every night I regret that I didn't try harder with what strength I had. Yes, I could look for another job - but what if I feel the same there? And in any case, few employers would take on someone with my absence record. ("What were your significant achievements in your last post?" "Umm...I turned up occasionally?") Yes, I ask my boss to be hard on me, to ask me what I've been doing if I can't show her anything productive from that day or that week, but it doesn't make me feel any better, it just adds another layer of worry and feelings of failure.

I know that this doesn't answer any questions, and I don't really believe that the catharsis of blogging will change anything; I wanted to post something and this is the main thing on my mind, that's all.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Working late?

Last night I had sat at the computer, got the home finances spreadsheet up to date, registered an interest in becoming a plumber, downloaded pictures from Katrina's phone, and was just starting a blog post about how I had a lot to write about but probably wouldn't have time, when there came a cry of "What are you doing now? Are you planning on spending all night on the computer?" So with a murmured "No dear of course not" I logged off instead. And now I'm writing this at work at 5.25pm, when the only people still here are deliberately staying late to send out emails with a ridiculous "Time sent" stamp on them. So I won't write any more, except to say that I have met our new curate James a couple of times and he seems like the kind of person I imagine having as a friend. He is here at "jamesthevicar", but is also at the endearing and interesting "rubberturnip.org.uk". I shall have to ask him about this. Right, it's now 5.33, so I shall send a quick email to my boss and then go home.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Beh

I've been away on holiday and had a nice time, and now I'm more or less back to everyday existence. I was going to post holiday pics etc on here but I'm suffering from a massive bout of cantbebotheredness. Beh.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Hmmm (knee)

I've just come back from the doctor who has signed me off work because my knee is still not better. I'm really aware that I've not written anything much on here even though I've had time, hence the "hmmm" in the title: I'm not sure what my reluctance to blog is about. Maybe I just haven't got anything to say, although that's never previously stopped me from (a) blogging or (b) talking. Oh well. Andiamo in Italia fra dieci giorni; parlo un po d'italiano ma non conosco bene. E ho troppo di fare.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

The Weather Man

Sat up last night because I was determined to eat bread and cheese and watch a movie and ended up watching The Weather Man, which was a miserable and disappointing experience. The central premise, that Nicholas Cage's character is searching for authenticity among the many pretences and false selves he creates, as symbolised by the weather man's blue screen, is lost in the movie's self-pitying whiny narcissism. The idea that we are an envious and violent society (people keep throwing things at Cage) which reinforces its own envy by creating media personalities fails to be explored satisfactorily - Cage sublimates his anger into archery, expresses it appropriately to the man who tried to abuse his teenage son, ends up "accepting himself for who he is" - while the subplot of the father's terminal illness and death which removes pressure for Cage to live up to his projected expectations of himself is poorly interwoven with the other strands of the story, jarring particularly because of Michael Caine's astonishingly bizarre accent. The whole experience felt akin to watching Gore Verbinski masturbate - potentially enjoyable if that's the kind of thing you like to watch, but you can't help feeling that he's having a whole lot more fun than you are.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Knee

We took Rachel to Gosport Ice Rink for her birthday party yesterday and I fell over and injured my knee. After a long wait in A&E to be seen by a doctor who didn't even examine me I was sent home with instructions about painkillers and rest. I was going to go to work this morning but a combination of diarrhoea and not being able to move fast forced me to re-evaluate that plan. So I've had a couple more hours sleep, but I'm still feeling generally sore and grumpy.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Sandwiches saltier than crisps

I learned several things from reading this article. One is that sandwiches may contain high levels of salt. Another entirely more surprising fact is that there is such a body as The British Sandwich Association. They have a website at www.sandwich.org.uk which also contains the definition of a sandwich and a chance to subscribe to International Sandwich and Snack News. I was, however, slightly perplexed that 'The British Sandwich Association also stressed that it was "it is not the sandwich industry's job to dictate to consumers what they choose to eat".' Quite apart from the BBC's mangled grammar, if the British Sandwich Association represent British sandwich makers, then what they choose to put in or leave out of sandwiches has a pretty profound effect on what people choose to eat. Of course, people want to buy unhealthy sandwiches (all day breakfast is tasty) and these will therefore make money for members of the BSA. Conveniently, this fits nicely with the myth that all people should have choice about all things all the time, so that the willingness to take people's money while raising their risk of a heart attack is made to sound as though your friendly neighbourhood sandwich maker is your last bastion against the Nanny State.

Overwhelmed

I've got so much to do, and so little time. I just feel utterly overwhelmed at the thought of all the stuff I've got to get done before we go on holiday in three weeks time; work stuff (really urgent or else I'm going to be in BIG trouble), home stuff (kind of essential or else we won't be able to go on holiday/won't have any clothes to go in/won't have anyone to look after pets/etc/etc), Open University stuff (will fail the course unless I catch up with the three units I'm behind and get my TMA done before we leave).

OK. Deep breath. Less timewasting, more organisation, less blogging and general online stuff, more work.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

I really must get a mudguard fitted on my bike

because cycling to work through the current monsoon conditions means that although I have work clothes to change into, because I don't keep a change of underwear at work I spend the first couple of hours sitting in my own personal damp patch.

Hospital found! Balloon visited!

I couldn't resist posting this: two ambiguities in one headline.


Kylie!

Ms Minogue is going to be in the Doctor Who Christmas special.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Ticking jobs off the list

OK, started getting stuff done. Took the passport forms down to the Post Office in Hedge End for the "check and send" service; they say they have a two week turnaround time, so as long as the Passport Office don't query anything we should be OK to go here in four weeks time. I've taken some photos of the old caravan that's been sat out the back getting vandalised; I'll see if putting them on eBay will persuade someone to take it away for 50p.

I know that I can't really afford this time off work, and that I'm falling behind with MU120, but at least I'm starting to get some stuff done. One step at a time...

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Eurgh!

Having a bit of a down week. Nothing wrist-slashingly major, just that all the things I've been putting off are catching up with me and leading to a generalised feeling of dread and incapability (is that a word?). However, I'll start knocking things off the list one at a time, and I'm moderately confident that life will be sunny again before you can say "You have eaten my best friend's goat" in Albanian (if you are Albanian or a fluent Albanian speaker, it might be slightly longer).

Last night we continued our mission to find an Italian restaurant for Rachel's birthday. So far we've tried La Dolce Vita in Hamble and Reggina's in Botley. La Dolce Vita have live music on Wednesdays, when we went, so we had to put up with a slightly annoying singer, but the food and service were good and it was reasonably priced. Last night at Reggina's we were put on a table near to the kitchen and the main entrance (despite having booked) so there was lots of coming and going right next to us, which wasn't conducive to relaxation. Although it looked more upmarket than La Dolce Vita, the food was not as nice and the service was indifferent, and it cost more. We'll see what else we can find between now and Rachel's birthday.

I thought I'd give Facebook a go, since Si has been saying how good it is for keeping in touch with people. I have to say it's not a site for the miserable and socially incompetent, simply reinforcing that everyone else has more friends than I do, and that they're all closer and more relaxed with each other than I will ever be. I'll give it a go, but as someone who finds it hard to do social networking in real life, it doesn't come easily online.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Friday afternoon

Not quite as fed up as yesterday, but cold and tired from cycling Bursledon to Ashurst and then back into Southampton, the last leg in the rain. A comfy chair in front of a log fire and a good book would do nicely now. Good grief, I sound like Eliza Doolittle. Loverly.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Fed up

Nobody puts any comments on Conversation, even when I email and ask them to. Most of the people who come don't seem to look at, never mind contribute to, the site. Visitor numbers do peak when I ask people to visit but half of them turn out to be random strangers.

I have teenage sons who moan when asked to do anything and don't appreciate what I do.

I have too much to do.

I feel miserable and hopeless, with the general feeling that things will pretty much carry on the same; not terrible but always vaguely not good enough.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

WWJD

I think that one of the problems with asking what Jesus would do in any given situation is that we often don't know. For one thing, Jesus was a little unpredictable. People were surprised, even scandalised by his actions. So what we usually ask is "What do I think Jesus would do?" which comes down to our perception of Jesus and our own morality. I think that the honest version of the question is to ask what I would do if I was more like the person I think Jesus wants me to be. And that is what's been occupying my mind: moving away from asking how I can become different or better or nicer or holier, and moving towards asking what might happen if I allowed Christ to form me into his planned version of me. There's a whole lot of other stuff too about God wanting us to be ourselves, not some kind of holy clone; and what being made in the image of God is all about. But I'll try to put down those thoughts more clearly another time.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Caffeine and Christ

I'm still feeling ill after drinking way too much coffee at last night's Conversation. I was still hyped when we got to the pub but started a comedown during the quiz, which wasn't fun: when we got there I put seven or eight names on the picture sheet as soon as I looked at it; by the time we got to the results I didn't care if we won or not, I just wanted to go home and curl up in a ball. Of course when I did get home and go to bed, I still couldn't sleep for hours.

Had an interesting few moments during Conversation, when PV asked me how I thought my talk had gone, and other people around the table shared what they thought of it - or more specifically what it had been about. I know that people never hear exactly what I think I'm saying - on account of them not being me - and I'm sure that God uses what I say in order to push different people in different directions, but it was a shock to hear not only what people thought I'd said, but how they had made changes in response to it. A real "the medium is the message" moment: just because I was standing at the front, people attributed more importance to my words than I expected them to. PV also mentioned that he wants the new curate to do some "sermon training" with me, Si V, Jon Kitching and Anthony Scammell, which I think I feel enthusiastic about: at least I feel moderately enthusiastic about the chance to learn some stuff and try it out in practice, though less enthusiastic about the time commitment.

There's also a nagging worry for me that this is a big temptation to fall into Pride; another chance to start thinking how amazingly good I am at doing stuff for God: I know it's a very short step from there to doing stuff for me and my benefit. Being high on caffeine is a bit like being drunk, in that it does bring out the less nice side of me, and I suspect that I was coming across last night as more than a bit opinionated; I certainly think I was saying stuff that would make people think I was clever rather than help people to feel I was listening to them and trying to join them where they were.

At the moment my feeling is that if I can be brave enough and unselfish enough to genuinely give myself and my life to Christ, then he will help me to become who I am, far better than if I try to change myself. And if I truly become myself in Christ by relinquishing all claim on my own life, then (and only then) can I genuinely and effectively use who I am to serve God and others without being afraid that I'm still a spoilt child shoulting "Look at me! Look at me!"

Monday, June 04, 2007

Yesterday's Celebration

Well, I managed to stand at the front for 25 minutes or so and talk; Katrina said afterwards that it had a beginning, a middle and an end, and only one of each, so that was pretty good. In the end we had Philippians 1:12-18 as the reading, with the talk focussing on v18. I talked about why Paul had written this - the first time he was in Philippi he'd only been in jail a few hours before being supernaturally sprung, yet here he is under house arrest in Rome, and has been a prisoner for (probably) two years. In any event, Paul sees good coming out of this and rejoices to see Christ being preached. I emphasised that Paul is happy that Christ is preached, even by those with wrong motives, not that he is prepared to put up with false teaching. Then I talked about how easy it is for us to be consumers of church, picking and choosing among denominations and styles, and how this gets in the way of us rejoicing that Christ is being preached in so many different ways. Then I finished by saying that we are all church, so we should all be preaching Christ through our words, actions and attitudes, but that often we tend to preach a cuddly best-friend Christ, not a stumbling block Christ, or to preach about ourselves and our changed lives, rather than preaching the Gospel that changes other people's lives, or to preach the church that we belong to, or to preach morality and how we think people should behave; all of these things are important, but none of them are preaching Christ, and it is when Christ is preached that we can rejoice.

Anyway, that's the gist of it. I was meant to record it but I forgot to press the button on the CD recorder as I was getting up. A couple of people prayed afterwards and told me that it had challenged them to think about the way they do evangelism, so I hope that God was able to use what I said to do something helpful with them.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Next Sunday's Celebration (2)

Yesterday I was reasonably calm and happy about doing the talk next Sunday evening; now I'm more nervous. I know it's not a big deal - there will be maybe 20-30 people there, most of whom know me well and aren't going to be critical; on the other hand it is a big deal: I've been given the responsibility of giving people something that will be be important, because even though it's me standing at the front, it's me standing at the front.

I'm starting to realise that although I can probably talk for forty minutes, I'm not sure I have the theological depth to talk coherently and meaningfully for more than about ten. And judging by last night's post, I have a tendency to nastily split infinitives.

Would those of you who read this please pray for me? Thanks.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Next Sunday's Celebration

Peter V phoned me today and asked me to do the talk at next Sunday's Celebration. All the times I've listened to talks in church, and thought what I would do if it were me at the front; now's my chance to not try and compress everything I've ever wanted to say into one completely garbled 40 minute rant. When I do have any ideas, I'll see if I can put them on here.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Pentecost

Didn't manage to get to church this morning, despite it being one of the major church occasions, because we were back at The Point again to watch Rachel dancing her modern solo. Not really any pressure, since this isn't a qualifying festival, and she's already taking this dance to the Regional Finals next week, but we learned some things about what not to use for Rachel's hair. But apart from seeing my daughter on stage, one of the best bits of today was having a Sunday afternoon spending a couple of hours not doing anything much. No school uniforms to wash, too rainy outside to do washing in any case, nothing urgent at all. We'd already decided that we were too tired to go to the quiz - too many late nights and early mornings - and then it was a real bonus to have the boys asking me to play a game with them and just say "Um. Yes. OK then." Lovely.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Test

This is a bit of a trial run. I'm writing this on my new Nokia N95, just to see if it will work. It's a bit fiddly, but as long as it posts OK then I can blog from anywhere. Superb.

[Edited 25th May to add link]

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Update: work

By the way, I'm already getting used to my new office, and it's not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I'm not surrounded by people who all know each other and ignore me - in fact, so far there's nobody at all sitting at the desks adjacent to mine!

Off-Road Disciplines

I've just finished reading Earl Creps' "Off-Road Disciplines: Spiritual Adventures For Missional Leaders". Although it's a book about the North American church, a lot of it is applicable here. There's a thread running through it about keeping Jesus as the focus, making sure that we're doing his will - checking that we're trying to get involved in Jesus' story instead of trying to make him part of ours. I've got it on inter-library loan, and I also have Dan Kimball's "They Like Jesus But Not The Church" to read, but the Earl Creps book is definitely one that having read it very quickly (I got it out of the library yesterday) I'd like to take my time over reading it again.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Moving at work



We're moving out of our old office at Central Health Clinic. At the moment I'm in the corner office on the first floor - the small windows in the brick wall at the front corner in this picture are to my right. I face the wall and can turn to my right if I want to talk to the other people in the room. Today we went over to Cumberland House, which is the building with the tree next to it. Again I have a corner office on the first floor (the windows at the front corner of the building that have no ground floor underneath them), but there's a big difference when you get inside. This is the inside of my new office - but this is only a small part of a huge room that has several islands of desks in it. My desk is the one furthest away, so that I'm sitting with my back to the corner, and can't look out of either window without turning round. I'm therefore looking at everyone else in the room. Even worse, all the other five desks in this island belong to the same team, so they all know each other. I'd turn the desk round so that it faces the window, except that the phone is plugged into the floor just underneath. I just hate the thought of being stuck with a whole load of people who know each other but whom I don't know at all, in huge open plan office, and no way of avoiding contact, not even a screen between the desks. There's no wall to stick anything up on, no way of personalising my space, no privacy.

I don't know whether I wish I'd done what most other people have done and been over to visit a couple of months ago, so that I was used to the idea; or to be glad that I haven't found out what it's like until now so that I have less time to dread it.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Half-truths: the drugs don't work, they just make things worse

Specifically in the case of caffeine, which at the moment is working very well, in that I'd be asleep at my desk if I weren't on my second cup of strong filter coffee. Being seen to be awake at my desk rather than asleep may be an example of the drugs making things better, but balanced against the lightheadedness, irritated stomach, headache and general irritability from being awake when I'd much rather be asleep, not to mention the whole addiction/dependency thing, I'd concede the point that while the drug in question may in fact work by enabling socially normative behaviour, it does indeed make things worse when a broad range of factors are considered.

So there we are then: a post that isn't about things I've done for Conversation. I'm at work, avoiding either reading best practice guidelines for autism or entering outcome measures from the National Service Framework for Children, Young People and Families into a database. I dicovered myself reading this (thank you Dave) and thought that if I was clearly not going to be doing anything useful for the next few minutes I might as well write something here.

Umm. So what's been happening? I gave up tea and coffee for Lent (more difficult than I thought it would be) and also had a couple of glasses of wine (very easy; I won't do it again for a while I think). Took Katrina to Beaulieu for the day with the family and then for a night here by ourselves, both of which were a surprise for her birthday. I'll try and add some pictures at some point in the near future. Rachel got a high enough mark in her Modern solo at Portsmouth festival to qualify for the Southern Regional Finals. We went to see Peter play his violin as part of the school orchestra. Daniel has got a college place. Reuben went to a celebrity launch party for a new ride at the London Dungeon which was a bit rubbish (the party, not the ride), but also went to the Tower of London which was not rubbish at all. Benjamin hasn't got any work experience sorted out because the Junior School took so long to tell him he couldn't do it there that it was then too late to sort out anything else.

In short, life goes on. And I need to do something tangible so that when I see my boss tomorrow morning I can show her and say "Look at all the constructive work I have been doing", so I'll post this and get on.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

I've been busy

I did this



and made these





which I was quite pleased with. At least I was pleased with the video and fairly pleased with the flyer, except that I faded the praying hands too much and they didn't come out on the photocopied one they gave out at church.

I've also been planning things for Katrina's birthday tomorrow - hopefully it won't be too long before I can get back on here and say how it went.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

New Conversation trailer

I wanted to focus on the scariness of doing a service without a liturgy, that is open to so much going wrong, and link that to the fact that sometimes we take refuge in busyness, and conversation with someone else can seem quite scary at times.

Just a quick hello

Hi to anyone who still reads this... or to my future self looking back on this and thinking "That was a really busy time". Apart from one evening recently when I was supposed to be doing Open University work but sulked and played on The Sims instead, the only time I've had on the computer is twenty minutes or so in the mornings to read emails and update the household finances spreadsheet from the online bank statement. MU120 is turning out to be a lot of work, plus I'm trying to get stuff done around the house if possible, and what's gone is time on the computer. I haven't been reading anyone else's blog, let alone writing anything on mine. I'm kind of hopeful that I'll get back into the habit of blogging again; I do miss it, but right now I just have a lot to do. In fact the only reason I'm on the computer is trying to do another Conversation trailer before the service tonight, which I'm going to get on with right now...

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Conversation trailer

I have been playing on the computer this evening, but I haven't been blogging because I've been doing this:

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Very quick update

Just a quick post in the expanding desert of post-free days. Benjamin's birthday today; fifteen years since we became parents of two. Going out for a meal at the Rising Sun soon, never been there to eat so hope it's OK. First day in ages that I did anything productive at work; I've committed myself to giving my boss a daily update on what I've been doing as a last-ditch attempt to stop myself procrastinating and wasting time. Also have given in and started taking Amitriptyline to get some sleep, which actually works! I don't want to take it for long, but the thought of having a couple of weeks of sleeping six or seven solid hours a night is worth it. Anyway better go and pick up Rachel from Brownies, and then get the boys organised and out.

Monday, January 29, 2007

An apology

For anybody who reads this blog on a regular or even occasional basis: sorry! I've not posted much because I've been ill and busy, and though I'm starting to feel a little better, I'm going to get to be even more busy over the next few weeks. I will post when I can - I really want to keep this going, as much for a reflective tool as anything else - but there's other stuff that takes priority, and I'm going to have to be pretty ruthless in allocating time and making myself get stuff done. So if the quantity/quality of posts on here declines, I promise that things will get better again; it might just take a while.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

The non-attractiveness of ownership

As I was walking through town today a woman with a clipboard resolutely ignored my lack of eye contact with her and asked me if I could answer three questions. I thought that actually three questions would be OK, so I agreed. She asked me "If I could do any job, what would I do?" (she sneaked in a supplementary question by then asking "Is that what you do now?"), "What would you most like to change about yourself?" and "If you could own anything in the world, what would you like?". Now call me weird, but this last one really stumped me. There I lots of things that I see in shops that I think I'd like to own, like books or DVDs or some clothes, and sometimes I see a sports car and think "I want one of those", but when it comes down to it there's nothing that I really desperately want, certainly not in a "more than anything else in the world" sense. The way she phrased the question kind of excluded metaphysical answers like "What I want most is world peace" or "God's Kingdom to come", and I ended up walking away feeling slightly odd about my lack of participation in the consumerist ethos.

Mind you, I'm having an introspective and unsettled day anyway. Maybe if she'd caught me at a different time I wouldn't have given it a second thought.

Monday, January 22, 2007

I don't know a lot about art...

...but I know a good way of spending a Saturday morning. Benjamin and I spent the morning at a still life masterclass at Wildern, run by Anthony Kawalski, and jolly good fun it was too. Very relaxed (so that's what Saturday mornings are supposed to be like!) and non-threatening, nobody being critical or telling you what you ought to be doing, just a small canvas, a choice of paints or pencils and a selection of objects to draw. In the end I opted to draw some of the contents of my pockets, and ended up with this:
My phone is in the picture (resting on the gloves) but I took it out of the arrangement to take the photo!
However, on our way over to the D@rt centre for a mid morning cup of coffee, there was something better than any of us could have drawn: grafitti made of light:
The metal letters on the wall were reflecting the sunlight, but what appeared on the ground were strange alien squiggles that changed and disappeared as you walked past them. Fabulous!

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Winter flowers


This is now my phone background - took this last night because I was so struck by the scattered white flowers on the bare branches against the night sky. The first one I took was really orange because it was lit by the streetlamp (you can still see the orange glow on the side of the picture) so I tried again using the light on the phone and got something much closer to what I wanted.

Sooner or later...

...you're going to have to stop being middle of the road

Today's cartoon

cartoon from www.weblogcartoons.com

Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Colgate

A news story about something that has annoyed me for ages. Colgate have been advertising their toothpaste as "recommended by 8 out of 10 dentists" on a series of billboard posters. I often walk past one of these posters, and noticed that there was small print at the bottom of the picture saying "data on file". This really bugged me. What data? On file where? This sounds as though they're saying "This is all totally genuine, we're not just making it up", but "data on file" is not anything I can check to see if it's true. Anyway, there's a story on the BBC today that they have been forbidden from making this claim in future. It turns out that they conducted a phone survey, asking dentists what toothpaste they would recommend. Sure enough, 80% said they would recommend Colgate, BUT about the same number also recommended a rival toothpaste: they were not restricted to one choice of brand. In a fairly small market, it's pretty likely that if you ask someone to name several brands they would consider using, it wouldn't be surprising if they named one of the top brands in most cases. I think Colgate should be worried about the fact that even though they had plenty of opportunity, 20% of dentists wouldn't recommend Colgate at all!

Friday, January 12, 2007

Feasting and fasting

So as Tesco stock the shelves on one side of the aisle with cut price tree chocolates and the other side with Easter eggs, and the Creme Egg posters have been up for at least a week, I'm reminded of what Steve Tomkins wrote in Advent. Feasting means less without fasting first.

Christians and homophobia

I've resisted posting anything on this, not because I don't have strong feelings about it, but precisely because I do have strong feelings. I was amused by Dave's rather barbed cartoon, but I really appreciated this quite balanced post. I guess that I have two questions: what can we do as christians to change the world's opinion of us (not that the world's opinion matters, but it would be encouraging if christians were generally seen as spiritual, prayerful, trustworthy, etc. rather than bigoted and homophobic); and if some sections of the church have decided that our LGBT brothers and sisters are the enemy, when are they going to treat them as they should?

Instant theology

I was having a healthy lunch yesterday when an idea came to me that I have decided to call Pot Noodle theology. The reasoning goes like this:
When you take off the lid of a Pot Noodle the contents look strange and unappetizing, even if you are really in the mood for a Pot Noodle at the time; similarly if you get to know people they're often pretty strange creatures, with some quite unattractive qualities, even if you quite like people generally.
This is strange, because a Pot Noodle contains all the ingredients, but in dried form; they just don't look great. People, we're assured, are made in the image of God; it's hard to see that sometimes.
When you add hot water and stir, a change occurs: suddenly the Pot Noodle looks attractive, and what's more, tastes great (if you really dislike Pot Noodles you may disagree with this). When God pours his Spirit out on people, suddenly you can see how the idea of them being made in the image of God makes sense really, and you can start talking about food-related metaphors like fruit or, er, fruit (if you really dislike christians you may disagree with this)
So there we are. A popular snack food shows how God makes us into who we really are (especially if we're prepared for some hot water)

Monday, January 08, 2007

Slippery thoughts

Two late nights in a row and I'm discovering an unfortunate side-effect of not enough sleep: thoughts become increasingly slippery. I went to bed late on Saturday night because I was playing The Sims and by the time I went upstairs Katrina was asleep and so I just said very quick and quiet prayers and (ahem) skipped reading the Bible. Then last night Katrina was playing The Sims and I was so determined not to miss out on sharing Bible reading and prayers that I stayed awake and so today I'm suffering from an inability to sit in warm rooms reading dull documents for more than 23 seconds without falling asleep. Nothing terribly unusual there, but the sad (for me at least) thing is that I had an insightful and original thought at some time today when I was nowhere near a computer or even a pencil and paper, but I said to myself "It's OK, I will remember this thought, because it is a Thought of Beauty and Originality, and will not just disappear." How wrong I was. I can remember having the thought, but the content of it, in all its clarity and profundity, is lurking at the back of my mind, and the more I try to get hold of it, the harder it is to grasp, so I must accept the fact that it is gone forever.

On the other hand it probably wasn't that amazing, while on the other Dave Sharps did a great talk at Celebration last night, based on Psalm 23:6 where he spoke about "the pursuing God": God who unfailingly, passionately pursues us in order to bless us. Good stuff.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Twelfth Night

So it's Saturday morning, it's pouring with rain, I've taken Rachel to dancing and Daniel to Winchester and now I'm putting off taking down the Christmas decorations for another year. It doesn't matter that I know the point of a celebration is that it is a marker, a defined point in time to note transition or difference, or that the reason that we are very traditional and have don't decorate until Christmas Eve and then take them down for Twelfth Night is because we want to celebrate Christmas at Christmas, not celebrate during Advent and then give up and act as though it doesn't matter as soon as we go back to work or school; I still hate taking down the Christmas decorations and having the house looking suddenly bare and plain and... ordinary.

I guess that that's part of the meaning of Christmas for christians: it's really easy to get excited about the Incarnation, about the possibility of Christ being born into our lives, about the promise of new life in him, just as it's easy to get excited about the birth of any baby. And just as with any baby, for the first couple of weeks there's a sense of amazement, of wonder; but wonder wears off and life becomes sleepless nights and nappy changing and feeding, and we have to make a conscious effort to look at our children and think "You are an amazing thing: a completely separate life that somehow I helped to make".

So here's a Twelfth Night challenge: to take down the decorations, to end the celebration of birth, but to keep hold of the wonder, and daily to see Christ present in our sometimes bare and plain and ordinary lives.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy New Year!

Here's hoping for a good 2007, with a clear idea of what God wants us to do, and enough grace and courage to do it!

Had a nice little get-together last night, Amanda and Alex and Ellie came round with their respective children and though I had a moment of grumpiness when I was being sober and setting off fireworks that nobody seemed bothered about while everyone else was drinking and/or doing something warmer and more fun, I managed to get over it and just enjoyed being with people to watch Big Ben striking on BBC1 and set off party poppers. Thankfully nobody was interested in the usually obligatory round of kissing everyone else (and there wasn't even a suggestion of singing "Auld Lang Syne" - possibly because we were watching the London fireworks for 10 mins). Of course I completely forget to take any photos or video. Duh!