France

Sitting in MacDonald.s in Le Mans, free wifi but got to go now. All good so far

Health Secretary recognises the benefits of exercise

DSC00041.JPG

Hmm. As you can see, I'm trying out ShoZu, which seems to more or less do what it says on the tin on my W200i, though with a few not-very-clear menu commands (hence the picture above getting uploaded with its original title, not the one that I thought I'd given it, and without a description. But, it does seem a nifty little Java app for sending stuff from my phone to Facebook, Twitpic, Blogger - or lots of other places - so I guess I'll persevere with it.

Just for clarity, the picture above was sent from my phone, without going into a browser, just by using the ShoZu app. All this text I added later on my laptop.

Slogan

Today: better than yesterday, not as good as tomorrow

Sunshine superprophet

I had Donovan's Sunshine Superman stuck in my head, and I actually thought about this, but then I thought "No, God's not speaking through a Donovan song. The lyrics are just hippy nonsense."

Then I realised (after two days of having the tune coming back into my head, even when I've been listening to other stuff), that in fact I only had one line that was going through my head, over and over again.

The line?

"When you've made your mind up forever to be mine"

Schadenfreude

There's something curiously satisfying about seeing a Rolls Royce Bentley with a parking ticket.

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What I did today

Pictures from this afternoon's party for the cast and crew of "Once Upon A Fairy Tale" are here.

I had a lovely afternoon.

Reasons to be cheerful, one, two, er...

As I crossed the busy road in front of our office at lunchtime without waiting for the traffic lights to change, I started thinking about the negative consequences of being hit by a car and killed, and then realised that they were all about other people being upset or inconvenienced. It didn't occur to me to think of things that I want to do with my life. So then I thought I'd try compiling a mental list of "Things I really want to do before I die", and I couldn't actually think of anything. There's lots of things I'd like to do, some of which I will do and some I'm pretty sure I won't, but I couldn't think of anything that would make me think "I really really want to do that", other than "Have my family grow up to a point where it's not going to be a complete disaster when I die".

I wonder if it's selfish to live in such a way that people are very upset when you die (as you must), or if there's some kind of balance between bringing good things into the lives of others and their inevitable grief when you're gone. Me, I hate upsetting people; better stay alive.

Brave noob world

Preaching School

Image via Wikipedia Reflecting on last night's preaching school, I have to say that although James has put a fantastic amount of work into it, and Jon, Karen and Matt are great and very supportive, I feel less sure that I would want to carry on to the point where I was preaching in front of the church. This is partly because of my generic laziness - the positively-phrased feedback last night included the word "underprepared" - but, more seriously, because I can see two major problems. Firstly, I am too busy to be able to do this properly and take it as seriously as it should be. I can't even manage to do basic housework, let alone put in the amount of time and effort that preaching in public needs. I wouldn't put myself forward to lead a small group or do children's work, precisely because I know I couldn't give the commitment, and even allowing for preaching not being very frequent, I'm not sure I should say I'll do it if I don't think I'll be able to do it properly. Secondly, I am chronically depressed, with acute phases of misery and despair. This means that when I preach from the heart, I will not actually be giving a very good impression of giving Good News. Last night I really thought I'd given a sober but balanced exposition of the passage, and it wasn't until it was pointed out to me that I realised that I had missed out on the positive element of it and basically said "Life is shit, and that's the way it is". Now, I may think that about my life, but I cannot generalise from my point of view, and I certainly can't do it in front of church, where people will give more weight to what I say precisely because I am at the front of church, and I dare not risk generalising from my experience of life and doing it in a way that has a major impact on someone else if I don't even realise I'm doing it. I don't have anyone (other preaching school members aside) who I would go to for feedback and support, and I know that if I was asked to preach and was feeling down and miserable, I'd say "Yes, of course, that will be fine."

The only thing in favour of me carrying on is the feeling that this is something God wants me to do. On the other hand, I have previously thought that God wanted me to go into ordained ministry ("Thanks but no thanks" said the Church of England) or that God had called me to do youth work (managed to mess that one up myself), so a vague feeling that this may be how I'm supposed to use my ability to stand up and talk in public might not in itself be a good enough reason; certainly not good enough to risk doing something very important very badly.

Isaiah 6

Image via WikipediaI was a bit despondent during and after last night's Celebration, so rather than going to the quiz, I went home to have a bit of a read of my Bible and try and think and pray a bit. As usual, the plan got a bit derailed, but I did eventually go upstairs and opened up the Bible here. The thing that really struck me from this was that Isaiah didn't hear God asking who He should send until after he'd had the coal touched to his lips. Often I think that I want to do whatever God wants me to do, but I'm just too sinful/lazy/messed up. What struck me was that Isaiah didn't hear a request from God, and then say "Oh no, I'm too sinful." His cry of "Woe is me! I am ruined!" is just from being in the presence of God, and at that point the angel basically says "It's OK, don't worry, we've got that sorted" (note that Isaiah didn't have to DO anything - apart from possibly saying "Don't put that glowing coal in my face"), and it's then that Isaiah hears God saying "Whom shall I send?" and he can volunteer.

Maybe it's obvious, but rather than moaning "I just wish I knew what God wanted me to do", I could (a) acknowledge that I'm not worthy even to come into His presence and (b) accept - really accept - that all my sinfulness and guilt has been taken away, then maybe I'd be able to hear more clearly what He wants me to do.

Wordle

This is the Wordle of this blog.




Thanks to James for the link.

Flock 2

Image via WikipediaJust upgraded to the Flock 2 beta and immediately lost all my favourites. I know that this is a good argument for using del.icio.us, but I very rarely use other computers, so I always kept my favourites locally. Not a disaster, but definitely a pain.

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Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible

Apologies for the lack of anything much here recently. I've been thinking about some stuff that I want to write but it doesn't quite feel right to do so at the moment.

Many teenagers

Well, it's Friday night and I am at home with only fifteen teenagers for company. It's Peter's birthday party, so he invited Josh, Ansley, Dan, Callum, Elliot, David and someone whose name I don't know round for pizza and a DVD. This was a good night to do so, because the others would be out - Rachel dancing, Benjamin and Reuben at NRG and Daniel almost certainly out somewhere or other. Unfortunately JK had gone away (to a stag night apparently) so the usual group of young people who gather at our house before NRG each week gathered anyway, but ended up with nowhere to go. After a certain amount of confusion and to-and-fro-ing, we said they might as well come round here. So now we also have Benjamin, Reuben, Ben, Shelby, Sam, Lucy and Zoe. A few are still watching Stardust, but there are also groups shouting at each other over Halo or playing outside on the trampoline. Katrina has gone to Tesco and to fetch Rachel, so I'm left here with many many youths. It's not that bad actually.

A lesson from driving

Coasting along uses less energy, but only takes you downhill.

And while we're doing aphorisms, I was quite pleased with this.

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This is Steve

Two thoughts from the last 24 hours that are knocking up against each other in my head. The first is something that came from Preaching School last night, about dealing with feedback, and how it's useful to have a small group of people who you can trust to give you honest feedback about a sermon. My reaction was that that sounded like a good idea, but I would struggle to find such a group of people. Outside of family, I have some people whose comments I would certainly take seriously, but (outside family) I can't think of anyone who I would include in a "feedback group".

The second thought is that I've recently started several blog posts about how I feel, and have then abandoned or deleted them. It's certainly the case that I'm finding it hard not to be depressed at the moment, and that I'm alternating between wanting to overcome it, get myself motivated, etc, etc, and giving in to it, being self-destructive and really despising myself. I'm not sure, however, why I'm finding it hard to publish blog posts about that. A look through the archives of this blog will find any number of posts about feeling down, or dealing with it.

There is an element, I think, of not wanting to keep on going endlessly on and on about how rubbish everything is: I don't want to write it and I assume most people don't want to read it. But somewhere there's a link to that first idea, about with whom I have honest relationships, and to whom I can say "I'm feeling down" without making a joke about it, or adding "...yet again, sorry".

Not sure there's an answer to this, and I have run out of blogging time, but if I have any further thoughts about this, I'll put them here (probably!)

Men and women

Found via Twitpic

How to fail

As a follow-up to a previous post, a list of suggestions for what not to do.

1. Consistently think of life as a to-do list; never let go of the feeling that you've got stuff hanging over you.
2. Always use food, alcohol or drugs to deal with emotional issues.
3. Every time you mess up, remind yourself that this is because you are stupid and will never succeed.
4. Don't take emotional risks in relationships; nobody would like you if they really knew you.
5. Procrastinate.
6. Nobody will thank you for going the extra mile: look after number one first.
7. Be prepared to defend your point of view at all times; assume you know best.
8. Long-term planning rarely comes to fruition; concentrate on short-term gains.
9. Never try to do serious work until you have eliminated distractions.
10. If you think you know the solution, you haven't grasped the size and complexity of the problem

Hey... who turned the lights out?