B&Q pricing scam

I went into B&Q yesterday to get some bits and pieces to reinforce the stairgate, which was no longer Oscar-proof. I was going to buy an enormous sheet of hardboard, because it was only a few pence more than a sheet about a third of the size, but then I realised I'd have nowhere to keep the offcuts, so I went on my way, muttering about how buying the smaller version of something makes it more expensive, etc, etc, looking for a roll of gaffer tape. Finding the right aisle, I was pleased to see that there was a plastic bin of "Value" tape. "Excellent," I thought, "I can save a bit of money after all."

But hang on, those Value rolls don't look as big as the standard tape on the shelf above. Let's have a closer look. Hmmm... the Value tape is 10 metres long. while B&Q's standard tape has 25 metres on the roll. "Let's see," I wondered, "How does that work out in pence per metre? Oh, wait - it's written on the price ticket."

That's right: the "Value" tape is 39.8p per metre, while the standard tape is 23.9p per metre.

So, B&Q, what's your definition of "Value"? Because I suspect that most of your customers think that it means "cheap" or "a better deal", not "actually more expensive". There is no way that a roll of tape that is both shorter and costs more per metre can be described as a "value" product, and putting an orange and white "B&Q Value" label on it does not make it so; this is either a mistake or a deliberate attempt to mislead in the interest of profit.

Weirdest warning ever

OK, so this is a picture of the packet of Tesco cotton buds in our bathroom. There are some warnings on the side, saying that plastic bags can be dangerous, etc. There are also some storage instructions. The first one says "Store in a dry place." Fair enough, I suppose. You don't want damp cotton buds. But look closely at the next one.

It says "Keep away from light."

Yes, "Keep away from light."

Maybe I've missed something here, but I really don't understand why Tesco's cotton buds should be kept in the dark, or what might happen to them should they accidentally be bombarded with photons. Short of adding "Do not feed after midnight," it's hard to see how this could get any stranger.

Facebook: just when you thought it couldn't get worse...

Yesterday I posted about the proliferation of cartoon pictures on Facebook. Today when I logged on I saw this:

!!ATTENTION: the group asking everyone to change their profile picture to their favourite cartoon character is actually a group of paedophiles. They doing it because kid's will accept their friend request faster if they see a cartoon picture. It has nothing to do with supporting child ...violence, ITS ON TONIGHT'S NEWS copy and paste this to your status! Let every one know !!

I probably should have guessed that someone would scream the p-word at some point. And the problem with a warning about paedophiles is that you must MUST MUST!!! pass it on. Except that this looks like nonsense to me. Let's see... there are multiple punctuation mistakes. There are capital letters to call attention to the REALLY IMPORTANT part - which is not about the group of paedophiles, it's about "tonight's news". Oh well, if it's on tonight's news, it must be real, right? But what news? Where? If this is so important that it needs exclamation marks at the beginning, why not include a link to the news item?

But most nonsensical of all is this: if a group of paedophiles believe that children will accept a friend request faster (by which I assume they mean "are more likely to accept a friend request" - surely the speed with which they accept is immaterial), then it is to that group's benefit to be the only ones with cartoon profile pictures. If everyone has a cartoon picture, then any advantage those cunning paedophiles might have had will be lost. It would be utterly self-defeating.

The genius of this is that if I didn't change my picture to a cartoon I was clearly in favour of violence against children, but now if I do I could easily be one of those devious paedophiles.

Crazy Special Offer! (More Tesco madness)

Can anyone explain to me how, unless you want three jars of Oregano, 3 for £1.60 is a good offer?

Consumerist Christmas

I went up to Tesco yesterday and in the reduced section there was a huge stack of cut-price mince pies. Now I know that mince pies (unlike hot cross buns) are a year-round food, but they are associated with Christmas, and indeed Mr Kipling, the manufacturer, has thoughtfully put a design on the box that features a gas lamp, snowy fir trees and a cottage with lighted windows. They've even adapted their trademark "exceedingly fine" phrase, and called them "exceedingly merry" mince pies. I don't think that it's unreasonable to infer that these are mince pies that are particularly designed to be bought for Christmas. "Just the thing," you may think as you buy your seasonal provisions, "some mince pies in an attractive Christmassy box." So why, in the name of heaven, do these mince pies have a best before date of 20th October? They're a food associated with Christmas in a Christmas-themed package and they are going to go off a whole one sixth of a year before Christmas even starts!

I know that retailers make a lot of money from Christmas (though I have my own opinions about that) and I understand that they want to start selling Christmas-themed goods as early as possible to maximise profits, but it just seems bizarre to sell things in Christmas packaging that won't even make it into November.

Greed

I really must rid myself of the belief that if one of something is good, then two will be better. I went over to Tesco for something to eat mid-afternoon, and they were reducing the price of some sandwiches. I picked up a Healthy Choices prawn mayonnaise sandwich for 49p, and then thought "That's less than half price - I could get two and still spend less." So I ended up with two packs of sandwiches, when one would have been fine; 250 extra calories when I really need to lose weight; 49p less in my pocket than I would have had.

Sometimes, more than enough is too much.

++ Out Of Brain Error ++

Went over to the library to borrow some CDs. Thought, "It's a lovely day, I'll leave my coat in the office." Walked over to the library. It was, indeed, lovely weather. Got to the library. Returned last week's CDs. Browsed round the shelves. Thought "It's a lovely day, so I left my coat in the office... with my library card in the pocket."

The sooner we all get microchips implanted in our heads the better.