Ups and downs

One of the things I really hate about depression is that when I have a down couple of days, it feels so much like things will never improve. If I was down all the time, or if I had an Eeyore personality, then I presume either I'd think that things might get better one day, or I'd give up entirely. But when I have a few good days, or a good week, and then go back to feeling sluggish, lethargic and hopeless, it feels so much worse. I guess that one of the first things to go in a down spell is the belief that I can do anything about it. Being happier seems to go along with feeling more in control, more able to get things done. Being down inevitably goes with feelings of being overwhelmed, of not being able to make anything better, no matter how much I want to.

Hope springs eternal, just not very high.

Dawn

Well I haven't been here for a while

Bah. I am so tired, I am flicking through Facebook pages without any clear idea of what I think I'm doing there. I can't go to bed for at least another hour because I have to pick up Daniel from Emfest at about 11pm, and then go up to Park Gate to bring Benjamin and Reuben home from roleplaying. Bah, bah and bah again.

On the other hand, I'm 90% sure that I want to train as a plumber with these people after their rep came to see me today. I need to do a bit more checking out about whether it is as good as they say, but it looks as though I might be able to change career.

Me in a nutshell

I read hopeful, inspiring books on Christian spirituality so that I can spot myself in the negative descriptions of what not to do or what happens when things go wrong; so I can think "Yep, that's me. Wow, am I messed up!"

And nine times out of ten if I see someone I know in Tesco I look the other way and pretend I haven't seen them.

Talk Like A Pirate Day

Today is Talk Like A Pirate Day, which explains why my oldest son went off to college looking like this

I think that the red eye only improves the close up picture

Friendships

I've just finished reading Donald Miller's "Blue Like Jazz", and can't wait to turn back to the beginning and start reading it again. Sometimes I love the way that God works. I decided to check my hotmail and there was a message from the library to say that one of the three books that I ordered on inter-library loan had arrived, so over I went to the Library to find that Redcar and Cleveland Library Service had very kindly lent me their copy until 7th December. So I decide to have a quick look through, and what do I find, but a whole load of engagingly-written stuff about loving enemies, about how self-discipline doesn't get you anywhere without allowing yourself to be loved by God, about how it feels to be pretty much totally obsessed with yourself and your own needs and how destructive this turns out to be? Wow. All the stuff I've been thinking about recently, tied together and expressed much more eloquently than I could have done.

Anyway, I was walking back over from the Library when I had a sudden thought. For a long time I've had issues about the way that the Church repeats Jesus's idea of God being a father, sometimes without much consideration for the growing numbers of people who have either no experience of having a father, or have had very bad experiences involving fathers. I think that we as a church need to be careful to say that when you know your dad isn't perfect, that's because in some way you're comparing him to what you think a perfect dad should be like, and that idea of the perfect Dad is one way of understanding God. Anyway, I was crossing the road and thinking (as is my habit) moderately miserable thoughts about friendships and how rubbish I am at them and never really believe that people actually like me (apologies to anyone who is reading this who considers themselves to be my friend: it's not you, it's me), when it occurred to me that if people who have issues about "God is like a Dad" need some extra care, then maybe people like me might well have some issues around "My Friend Jesus". Now, I know that this sounds pretty basic, duh, but it has never ever occurred to me before that if I spend my life thinking that some people like me and quite a lot of people tolerate me, but friendships are things that only happen to other people, then it might conceivably affect the way I look at my relationship with God. Because I don't keep in touch with people (the only person from my past who I have any contact with - excluding a couple a generic Christmas letters - is my friend Julie who sent me an email a couple of weeks ago, after not hearing from me for about four years: apart from that I have no friends from school, from previous jobs or homes or churches) I assume that nobody would want to keep in touch with me. There is nobody I would call on in a crisis or ring up to ask if they wanted to go for a drink. And I assume that God has the same kind of relationship with me, which I know intellectually is weird and wrong but nevertheless I will go away and think about this some more.

Extemely lucky

I'm sitting here in my kitchen, typing on my work laptop which is attached to my home wireless network, having drunk a couple of espressos and eaten far too many chocolate biscuits, and although this is a treat rather than an everyday occurence, it occurs to me that globally speaking I am part of a tiny privileged minority.

Maybe I should be mindful of this more often.

Enemies

I've been thinking off and on about the whole idea of loving enemies. We're instructed to do this, but I feel that individually and as a church we're not very good at it. We don't have intercession prayers for those who mistreat us, and while doing good to others by, for example, supporting Fair Trade is important, we don't give much priority to doing good to those who hate us. Part of the problem might be defining who our enemies are. Is it the person who steals our credit cards or the gang that shouts out abuse at us? Is it the boss who takes advantage of us or the older kids at school who bully us? Is it the transnational corporation that pumps images we don't want at us or is it consumer culture that encourages debt and reliance on the things of this world? I try now and then to pray for people who do things I don't like or approve of, and if there's a story on the news I sometimes pray for the perpetrators as well as the victims of outrages, but I struggle with knowing what practical love for enemies would look like. And what does it mean for the church? My impression is that we might pray for people who do wrong to see the error of their ways, or pray for justice (which often means hoping that people who hurt us will get punished), but we seldom, if ever, pray for blessings on those who curse us.

I don't have an answer for this. Should the church give some money to Stonewall or send Richard Dawkins a birthday card? Seriously, it's easier to define the church's enemies globally and nationally (those who persecute christians, organisations that promote anti-religious propaganda), but how do we decide who our enemies are locally so that we can go out and do good to them?

I don't know... maybe this is just me getting on my high horse; maybe if I went to the Monday night prayer meeting I'd find that they regularly pray for enemies there. But the idea won't leave me alone. Hmmm. Maybe I should mention it to PV. Or not (at least until I manage to get to a Monday prayer group).

A bit of thinking

A lot of the things I've been reading recently around "emergent" Christianity have brought my thinking back to ideas around why we often do things wrong, and why we should bother trying to do things right. Of course, this isn't an emergent idea as such, or even a Christian one, but I've found that the books and web pages that I've looked at have generally been concerned with how to live as a Christian today, and that includes revisiting some of these old questions. One of the main reasons for re-examining basic ideas like this is the move to what has been called "post-Christendom": a society in which Christianity is once more a minority religion and it is no longer the case that politicians and policy-makers "should" make decisions based on Christian values simply because a small group of people say so. So the moral and ethical standards that were part of society in the culture of Christendom are no longer taken for granted, and we have to ask similar questions to those asked by the Early Church, including variants of "Why shouldn't I just do what everyone else is doing (especially since they seem to be enjoying it so much)?" Of course, this applies, and has always applied, on a personal as well as a social level: "What does it mean to live a good life?" and "Why is it important?" are for every single person to answer in a way that makes sense to them. I think that the Good News is that there is a way to find an answer that makes sense; I also think that the questions have to be asked.

I feel like the church is trying hard to keep going with a Christendom mindset, that they are telling people what they must and should do, with the threat of a punishment in Hell that a lot of people don't believe in or the promise of a reward: either in a heaven that people don't believe in either or in a life of contentment and purpose that people feel they can attain in dozens of other ways without having to believe in anything at all.

And that, I think, is the problem: the church tells people what they have to believe, and makes decisions (or says that God makes decisions) based on what they believe. The question "Have you accepted Jesus as your saviour?" is a question about what you think is true. Now I'm sure that we are saved by faith - but this is faith as opposed to deeds, not faith that saves us by affirming a credal statement. I have no idea about whether or not God will make decisions at the Last Judgement that involve a record of whether people acknowledged Jesus as Lord, but there is some evidence that that won't be the only criterion. And a church that preaches salvation only as going to Heaven, or as being saved from Hell, has already lost those who don't believe in Heaven and Hell, just as a church that tells people they can be happy now will be told that sex or drinking or friends or career satisfaction is making people happy enough thank you very much. I did a talk a while back about Paul being happy that Christ was being preached, no matter what the motivation of the preacher; I mentioned then that I think our testimonies and our example do not transform people's lives; it is Jesus Christ that does that. And more and more, as I read and think about this, I become convinced that religion doesn't save people. Christianity never changed anyone. All the teaching and preaching and Bible reading in the world has never transformed a single life. Jesus does. Jesus saves us; Jesus changes us; Jesus transforms us. We do not become better people (whatever that means) by trying harder: we become the people we are intended to be through a relationship with the one who made us. We don't feel better or happier or richer or healthier by following the rules: our lives get closer to the picture of the way we should live that is in the Bible the closer we are to God. If a husband loves his wife (that is, he puts her wishes and needs before his own), then he will not be unfaithful; if he puts his own needs and wishes first, then it is more likely. If someone loves God, (that is, she puts His requirements and wishes before her own), then she will truly desire to follow the moral code as taught by Jesus; if she puts herself first then it is so much easier to follow whatever seems most attractive at any given moment.

I know that I have a lot more thinking to do about this, and that many many people have thought through all this before, often more coherently. But I really think that unless we get back to telling people less about church and more about Jesus, unless we follow Jesus instead of just following the rules, unless we give up trying to change and instead let ourselves be changed, then we, as a church, as the Body of Christ and his representation here on earth , have already failed in the mission he gave us.

I would never have thought of that

This article from the BBC discusses how technology may one day be able to replicate the systems that have evolved in geckos to allow them to walk up walls. Apart from reminding me how amazing the world is, it also amused me with the final sentence:

"people would probably suffer from muscle fatigue if they tried to stick to a wall for many hours"

Wow. Incredible. Thank goodness the science department at the BBC is here to tell me these things.

In other news, Katrina and I decided that we could take on slightly increased repayments, and so took the credit card out and bought a couple of new settees and some bits for the PC. I'm sure the settees are a good buy; the suite we've got was Amanda's cast offs when they bought their new suite, and it won't last long enough for us to save up to buy a new one outright. We decided to go for the mid-priced one that will hopefully last us the next five years rather than the really nice one that would have lasted longer but would have stretched the budget to the limit. PC stuff I think was worth getting: a new keyboard because the old one had several keys sticking also has the advantage of being a little quieter so Daniel's frantic typing on MSN won't drive us mad with the constant clacking of keys; the new graphics card looks smoother and when we tried it out on Sims 2 we didn't get the annoying flickering floors that we've had before; hopefully the more powerfully wireless router will mean fewer dropped connections on my N95 when the boys are playing games over the network, but we'll have to see. The only problem at the moment is the Netgear Storage Central which I've plugged in as per instructions but which the bundled software refuses to find. This hopefully isn't insurmountable but it's a pain to have to go through the whole uninstall/reinstall/take it to pieces and check the connections/do it all again with the firewall off/try it on each PC palaver that will take up my time when what I really want to do is just move all the media files that are filling up my hard drives onto one networked drive for everyone to access.

You'd think that even with my fairly limited experience I'd have learned that "Three simple steps" printed on the box actually means "A minimum of three steps if you have exactly the same conditions as we had in our labs; otherwise somewhere between three and forty-eight complicated steps with lots of backtracking". I just want to believe that it's going to be easy. And that humans can hang on walls for hours.

On the other hand...

I've just seen the following quotation here, and it fits beautifully with some thinking I've been doing about the idea of pilgrimage. If I ever get asked to do a talk at church again, that's what I'll talk about.

"To journey without being changed is to be a nomad. To change without journeying is to be a chameleon. To journey and be transformed is to be a pilgrim." – Mark Nepo

P.S.

And my knee hurts.

Work

Have I moaned recently about how much I hate my job? Moan, moan, moan, etc. Unfortunately saying "I hate my job" is simply a bit of convenient buck-passing; a way to avoid how I actually feel. This is easier to spot when someone asks me what I hate about my job. Is it the hours? The people? The amount of work? The environment? Do you have a horrible boss? At this point, if I'm being honest, I have to say that for the money I'm earning, the job is wonderful: regular hours (yes, there's an expectation that you will work evenings and weekends, but if you don't, nothing bad happens) - I work more or less 9-5 Mon-Fri and don't take work home with me; there is plenty to do, but nothing that I couldn't do in my working hours if I actually got on with it; I share a modern, well-designed and comfortable office with a whole bunch of people who are generally pleasant - I wouldn't call any of them friends - but then I can't think of anyone I've worked with in the last eight years or so who I would consider a friend; my boss is supportive well beyond the bounds of what she has to do in employment law. So what's the problem? The problem is that I feel anxious and miserable at the thought of going to work, and when I'm at work I spend most of my time wishing that I weren't there or putting off doing what I'm supposed to be doing because I feel so anxious and horrible that I want to run out of the door. And if it's not the work or the working conditions, that means it must be me. But then again, I don't feel this bad when I'm not at work: insecure and generally having a low opinion of myself, yes, but not feeling this bad.

The likelihood is that it's a combination of factors, or that I've learned to associate particular feelings with certain environments or behaviours, or that I can successfully project my negative feelings onto work. (All that money spent on therapy over the years wasn't wasted then!) The question, as always, is: What am I going to do about it?

And this is the point at which I run out of useful ideas. Yes, every morning I pray for the strength and the ability to put in a productive day at work, and every night I regret that I didn't try harder with what strength I had. Yes, I could look for another job - but what if I feel the same there? And in any case, few employers would take on someone with my absence record. ("What were your significant achievements in your last post?" "Umm...I turned up occasionally?") Yes, I ask my boss to be hard on me, to ask me what I've been doing if I can't show her anything productive from that day or that week, but it doesn't make me feel any better, it just adds another layer of worry and feelings of failure.

I know that this doesn't answer any questions, and I don't really believe that the catharsis of blogging will change anything; I wanted to post something and this is the main thing on my mind, that's all.

Working late?

Last night I had sat at the computer, got the home finances spreadsheet up to date, registered an interest in becoming a plumber, downloaded pictures from Katrina's phone, and was just starting a blog post about how I had a lot to write about but probably wouldn't have time, when there came a cry of "What are you doing now? Are you planning on spending all night on the computer?" So with a murmured "No dear of course not" I logged off instead. And now I'm writing this at work at 5.25pm, when the only people still here are deliberately staying late to send out emails with a ridiculous "Time sent" stamp on them. So I won't write any more, except to say that I have met our new curate James a couple of times and he seems like the kind of person I imagine having as a friend. He is here at "jamesthevicar", but is also at the endearing and interesting "rubberturnip.org.uk". I shall have to ask him about this. Right, it's now 5.33, so I shall send a quick email to my boss and then go home.

Beh

I've been away on holiday and had a nice time, and now I'm more or less back to everyday existence. I was going to post holiday pics etc on here but I'm suffering from a massive bout of cantbebotheredness. Beh.

Hmmm (knee)

I've just come back from the doctor who has signed me off work because my knee is still not better. I'm really aware that I've not written anything much on here even though I've had time, hence the "hmmm" in the title: I'm not sure what my reluctance to blog is about. Maybe I just haven't got anything to say, although that's never previously stopped me from (a) blogging or (b) talking. Oh well. Andiamo in Italia fra dieci giorni; parlo un po d'italiano ma non conosco bene. E ho troppo di fare.

The Weather Man

Sat up last night because I was determined to eat bread and cheese and watch a movie and ended up watching The Weather Man, which was a miserable and disappointing experience. The central premise, that Nicholas Cage's character is searching for authenticity among the many pretences and false selves he creates, as symbolised by the weather man's blue screen, is lost in the movie's self-pitying whiny narcissism. The idea that we are an envious and violent society (people keep throwing things at Cage) which reinforces its own envy by creating media personalities fails to be explored satisfactorily - Cage sublimates his anger into archery, expresses it appropriately to the man who tried to abuse his teenage son, ends up "accepting himself for who he is" - while the subplot of the father's terminal illness and death which removes pressure for Cage to live up to his projected expectations of himself is poorly interwoven with the other strands of the story, jarring particularly because of Michael Caine's astonishingly bizarre accent. The whole experience felt akin to watching Gore Verbinski masturbate - potentially enjoyable if that's the kind of thing you like to watch, but you can't help feeling that he's having a whole lot more fun than you are.

Knee

We took Rachel to Gosport Ice Rink for her birthday party yesterday and I fell over and injured my knee. After a long wait in A&E to be seen by a doctor who didn't even examine me I was sent home with instructions about painkillers and rest. I was going to go to work this morning but a combination of diarrhoea and not being able to move fast forced me to re-evaluate that plan. So I've had a couple more hours sleep, but I'm still feeling generally sore and grumpy.

Sandwiches saltier than crisps

I learned several things from reading this article. One is that sandwiches may contain high levels of salt. Another entirely more surprising fact is that there is such a body as The British Sandwich Association. They have a website at www.sandwich.org.uk which also contains the definition of a sandwich and a chance to subscribe to International Sandwich and Snack News. I was, however, slightly perplexed that 'The British Sandwich Association also stressed that it was "it is not the sandwich industry's job to dictate to consumers what they choose to eat".' Quite apart from the BBC's mangled grammar, if the British Sandwich Association represent British sandwich makers, then what they choose to put in or leave out of sandwiches has a pretty profound effect on what people choose to eat. Of course, people want to buy unhealthy sandwiches (all day breakfast is tasty) and these will therefore make money for members of the BSA. Conveniently, this fits nicely with the myth that all people should have choice about all things all the time, so that the willingness to take people's money while raising their risk of a heart attack is made to sound as though your friendly neighbourhood sandwich maker is your last bastion against the Nanny State.

Overwhelmed

I've got so much to do, and so little time. I just feel utterly overwhelmed at the thought of all the stuff I've got to get done before we go on holiday in three weeks time; work stuff (really urgent or else I'm going to be in BIG trouble), home stuff (kind of essential or else we won't be able to go on holiday/won't have any clothes to go in/won't have anyone to look after pets/etc/etc), Open University stuff (will fail the course unless I catch up with the three units I'm behind and get my TMA done before we leave).

OK. Deep breath. Less timewasting, more organisation, less blogging and general online stuff, more work.