Sabbath

I seem to be getting into a habit of writing these blog posts on the bus to work - hence the lack of links or pictures - basically because it's free time with an internet connection. The fact that I don't seem to have time during the rest of the day struck me particularly this morning, because I was already thinking about Sabbath.
My Bible reading this morning was the passage in Exodus containing the 10 Commandments. Now it doesn't matter if you think that the 10 Commandments are the actual words of God, or if you think they're a Bronze Age social code with a tag saying 'And by the way God says this, so you'd better do as you're told'; the point is the same: a day of rest is not recommended, but mandated.
I don't keep this commandment. Over the years I've broken them all except for one, but right now the issue for me is that I don't have sanctioned, agreed, planned-for downtime. Instead what I have is a never-ending to-do list, and hours or days when I think 'I'm too tired, I can't be bothered, I've had enough of this,' and I then do what should be leisure activities while feeling guilty for wasting time.
Of course this isn't good, and I know I should make a change, give myself permission to chill out, even plan a deliberate Sabbath, but the truth is that even thinking about it makes me begin to panic that I have too much to do and not enough time. Planned rest may be such a good idea that ancient societies (or even God) said we should do it, but there are too many things I've got to get done.

Finding faults

I had my first lesson yesterday for my Part 2 exam, the second stage in becoming a driving instructor. I'm hopefully going to be taking my Part 1 (Theory) in the next couple of weeks, but I have to have 18 hours instruction before my Part 2, so the lessons need to start now. I'd been thinking about how I drive over the last couple of months, trying to spot and eliminate bad habits, but it turned out yesterday that my main driving fault is one I wasn't even aware I had. I change gear too soon, even changing up as I steer round corners. Not necessarily life-threatening, but enough to fail my test.
It did make me think, though, about my other faults, in other areas of my life. I can list lots of things about me that need working on - some urgently - but there must be some faults of which I an completely unaware. Which is why I need genuine friends, who will point out the problems I hadn't noticed - and why I'm not being much of a friend if I won't do the same for them.

All work and no play (well, panto)

The last couple of nights I've woken up worrying about the panto - nothing major going wrong, but I'm very aware that there's a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff that needs to happen, and that it's down to me to make sure it does. Unfortunately at the moment I seem to be pretty bad at prioritising my time, so that I never get past the 'Urgent do it NOW' stuff that keeps the household running, and the 'Important do it soon' stuff gets put off again and again and again...

Serious journalism

I was recently asked by the editor of Earth Times to do a piece for them. They'd found me through The Freelance Journalist Directory - which just goes to show that it's worth getting your name listed online! Anyway, the piece (hopefully the first of many) is here.

[Redacted]

I have just been asked by my employer (who shall not be named) to remove my last blog post, as it mentioned my employer in connection with my dissatisfaction with my job. I might be leaving this employment sooner than I'd planned!

Writing

One of the common pieces of advice for anyone wanting to break into freelance writing is to get their own web page. Of course, I have this lovely blog, but I'm not convinced that anyone who comes here looking for a writer will hire me (unless it's from Infrequent Rants magazine), so there is, as of today, a new little link in the sidebar to the right of your screen. Hurrah!

In related news, I'm going to give Constant Content a try. It looks as though I can post articles on there that I've written for other sites, and that people may then pay me a nominal amount for usage rights. Putting original stuff on there would mean I could sell exclusive rights as well, but I'm happier at the moment with an egg-basket diversification strategy.

My job

On my way into work today (bus, not bike: I'm too tired and having to transport the laptop as well was the final straw) I seriously considered going and telling my boss that in fact I have been lying misrepresenting the facts when speaking to her recently. I rehearsed in my head as the bus went along Portsmouth Road how I had thought that saying I was happy with my work would be the most politic course of action. I went over the Itchen Bridge relishing the feel of the words "To be honest, I hate this job. It's just filling in pointless forms recording things that I couldn't care less about." And I arrived in town pleased that my mental health would no longer be adversely affected by having to smile and pretend that all this corporate nonsense held even the slightest interest to me.

Then I walked past Blackwells and was immediately seduced by a "Buy One Get One Free" offer on Teach Yourself books. On going into the shop, I found that in a small display, there were three books on writing (this, this and this). It was the work of a moment to acquire an even number of books, and I was out of the shop, reflecting on the kindness of Divine Providence in putting inexpensive guides to writing for a career in my way just when I was utterly sick of my current employment. (The more rational and sceptical of my readers will be relieved to know that I also reflected on my propensity to invoke the Divine for doing something I really wanted to do anyway - particularly when it involved spending money.)

My boss wasn't in the office this afternoon, so I didn't have an opportunity to ask her for a quiet chat. I did spend a little time submitting an article (which I'd written previously - not during work time today) to Triond, and followed a link from there to Helium, which looks quite promising. I have to say, even the sniff of a chance to earn money from writing has cheered me up - so much so that I sat in a meeting and agreed to work on the Quality section of the Community Services Contract and barely felt an urge to run screaming from the room.

Today, I hate my job

Came into the office this morning. Thought vaguely about saying a general “Good morning” to the other people who were already there, but was too discouraged by the fact that nobody even looked up when I walked in. Sat and waited while my laptop took forever to boot, listening to other people being greeted when they came in and laughing and swapping stories about their weekends and a party that they’d all been to. Checked my emails, to find a circular for everyone saying that the leaving party for a guy I worked with for several years has been postponed. Since I hadn’t known about the party, checked the original list of recipients further down the email to confirm that my name hadn’t, in fact, been on the (rather long) list. Thought about phoning people who have more important things to do than talk to me to find out what they are doing about childhood obesity, but put it off. Which was easy, as I couldn’t give a damn what they’re doing. Read through a draft of a document which is being circulated for comments, but was so bored by the same old facile platitudes and aspirational targets that I couldn’t bear to read more than a couple of pages. My boss asked if I was busy, so I said I could manage to fit something in if it was urgent, and she explained that there are some projects that need to be put into a standard reporting framework, and since I’m apparently freakishly talented for being able to understand the reporting framework in the first place, could I put someone else’s information into boxes so that people who think it’s important will be able to see at a glance what’s happening.

Will have to get on with the stupid obesity stuff soon, as have been putting it off for ages, and apart from putting information in forms, need to have some way of filling up the rest of today and tomorrow. And then Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday next week. And then there’s going to be a whole new year of roughly similar nonsense. Hooray.

Work, necessity of

I saw a card yesterday that said "So you hate your job? Did you know there's a support group for that? It's called 'Everyone'. We meet at the bar." It quite amused me, and reminded me that not enjoying work is not a sign of underlying pathology (if everybody has the same pathology, that's referred to as 'being human'.) Along with my recent thoughts on procrastination I've also been thinking about how I feel about work in general. Now I have to admit that I've never been convinced by statements about the nobility of work; generally I tend to see the advantages of not doing anything much. But, to get all dialectical for a moment, it is possible that I've learned my attitude to inactivity by growing up in a society where work is the norm and time off is to be prized, and by living in a small house with many children, where there is never a shortage of things that need doing. So sitting around not doing much isn't necessarily good in itself, but seems an attractive proposition when contrasted with doing lots and lots all the time. Somewhere along the line I think I slipped over into doing-nothing-much-is-a-good-thing-in-itself land, where leisure, rest and downright indolence are an alternative to work, rather than a complement to work.

This seems important in a way that's hard to pin down.

In Bridge to Terabithia there's a quote that's attributed to Teddy Roosevelt: "Far and away the best prize that life has to offer is the chance to work hard at work worth doing." Work worth doing? Gosh, define that. Worth doing by whose standards? If mine, then does anyone else have to agree with me? If not mine, then is that really the "best prize"? And I've not even got started on "working hard". So I would love to dismiss statements like this as the kind of propaganda that keeps the proletariat enslaved, but there is something that it stirs in me, something that suggests maybe I was created to work, that happiness is not sitting by a stream all day, not even sitting there until I feel completely ready to go and get on with the working week, but is maybe closer to sitting by a stream on one day, after enough of the work for the week has been done.

Priorities

Compare the number of people who have a picture of their home, family or pets on their desk or computer at work, with the number of people who have a picture of their workplace or work colleagues on the wall at home.

Well I haven't been here for a while

Bah. I am so tired, I am flicking through Facebook pages without any clear idea of what I think I'm doing there. I can't go to bed for at least another hour because I have to pick up Daniel from Emfest at about 11pm, and then go up to Park Gate to bring Benjamin and Reuben home from roleplaying. Bah, bah and bah again.

On the other hand, I'm 90% sure that I want to train as a plumber with these people after their rep came to see me today. I need to do a bit more checking out about whether it is as good as they say, but it looks as though I might be able to change career.

Work

Have I moaned recently about how much I hate my job? Moan, moan, moan, etc. Unfortunately saying "I hate my job" is simply a bit of convenient buck-passing; a way to avoid how I actually feel. This is easier to spot when someone asks me what I hate about my job. Is it the hours? The people? The amount of work? The environment? Do you have a horrible boss? At this point, if I'm being honest, I have to say that for the money I'm earning, the job is wonderful: regular hours (yes, there's an expectation that you will work evenings and weekends, but if you don't, nothing bad happens) - I work more or less 9-5 Mon-Fri and don't take work home with me; there is plenty to do, but nothing that I couldn't do in my working hours if I actually got on with it; I share a modern, well-designed and comfortable office with a whole bunch of people who are generally pleasant - I wouldn't call any of them friends - but then I can't think of anyone I've worked with in the last eight years or so who I would consider a friend; my boss is supportive well beyond the bounds of what she has to do in employment law. So what's the problem? The problem is that I feel anxious and miserable at the thought of going to work, and when I'm at work I spend most of my time wishing that I weren't there or putting off doing what I'm supposed to be doing because I feel so anxious and horrible that I want to run out of the door. And if it's not the work or the working conditions, that means it must be me. But then again, I don't feel this bad when I'm not at work: insecure and generally having a low opinion of myself, yes, but not feeling this bad.

The likelihood is that it's a combination of factors, or that I've learned to associate particular feelings with certain environments or behaviours, or that I can successfully project my negative feelings onto work. (All that money spent on therapy over the years wasn't wasted then!) The question, as always, is: What am I going to do about it?

And this is the point at which I run out of useful ideas. Yes, every morning I pray for the strength and the ability to put in a productive day at work, and every night I regret that I didn't try harder with what strength I had. Yes, I could look for another job - but what if I feel the same there? And in any case, few employers would take on someone with my absence record. ("What were your significant achievements in your last post?" "Umm...I turned up occasionally?") Yes, I ask my boss to be hard on me, to ask me what I've been doing if I can't show her anything productive from that day or that week, but it doesn't make me feel any better, it just adds another layer of worry and feelings of failure.

I know that this doesn't answer any questions, and I don't really believe that the catharsis of blogging will change anything; I wanted to post something and this is the main thing on my mind, that's all.

Working late?

Last night I had sat at the computer, got the home finances spreadsheet up to date, registered an interest in becoming a plumber, downloaded pictures from Katrina's phone, and was just starting a blog post about how I had a lot to write about but probably wouldn't have time, when there came a cry of "What are you doing now? Are you planning on spending all night on the computer?" So with a murmured "No dear of course not" I logged off instead. And now I'm writing this at work at 5.25pm, when the only people still here are deliberately staying late to send out emails with a ridiculous "Time sent" stamp on them. So I won't write any more, except to say that I have met our new curate James a couple of times and he seems like the kind of person I imagine having as a friend. He is here at "jamesthevicar", but is also at the endearing and interesting "rubberturnip.org.uk". I shall have to ask him about this. Right, it's now 5.33, so I shall send a quick email to my boss and then go home.

Overwhelmed

I've got so much to do, and so little time. I just feel utterly overwhelmed at the thought of all the stuff I've got to get done before we go on holiday in three weeks time; work stuff (really urgent or else I'm going to be in BIG trouble), home stuff (kind of essential or else we won't be able to go on holiday/won't have any clothes to go in/won't have anyone to look after pets/etc/etc), Open University stuff (will fail the course unless I catch up with the three units I'm behind and get my TMA done before we leave).

OK. Deep breath. Less timewasting, more organisation, less blogging and general online stuff, more work.

Ticking jobs off the list

OK, started getting stuff done. Took the passport forms down to the Post Office in Hedge End for the "check and send" service; they say they have a two week turnaround time, so as long as the Passport Office don't query anything we should be OK to go here in four weeks time. I've taken some photos of the old caravan that's been sat out the back getting vandalised; I'll see if putting them on eBay will persuade someone to take it away for 50p.

I know that I can't really afford this time off work, and that I'm falling behind with MU120, but at least I'm starting to get some stuff done. One step at a time...

Update: work

By the way, I'm already getting used to my new office, and it's not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I'm not surrounded by people who all know each other and ignore me - in fact, so far there's nobody at all sitting at the desks adjacent to mine!

Half-truths: the drugs don't work, they just make things worse

Specifically in the case of caffeine, which at the moment is working very well, in that I'd be asleep at my desk if I weren't on my second cup of strong filter coffee. Being seen to be awake at my desk rather than asleep may be an example of the drugs making things better, but balanced against the lightheadedness, irritated stomach, headache and general irritability from being awake when I'd much rather be asleep, not to mention the whole addiction/dependency thing, I'd concede the point that while the drug in question may in fact work by enabling socially normative behaviour, it does indeed make things worse when a broad range of factors are considered.

So there we are then: a post that isn't about things I've done for Conversation. I'm at work, avoiding either reading best practice guidelines for autism or entering outcome measures from the National Service Framework for Children, Young People and Families into a database. I dicovered myself reading this (thank you Dave) and thought that if I was clearly not going to be doing anything useful for the next few minutes I might as well write something here.

Umm. So what's been happening? I gave up tea and coffee for Lent (more difficult than I thought it would be) and also had a couple of glasses of wine (very easy; I won't do it again for a while I think). Took Katrina to Beaulieu for the day with the family and then for a night here by ourselves, both of which were a surprise for her birthday. I'll try and add some pictures at some point in the near future. Rachel got a high enough mark in her Modern solo at Portsmouth festival to qualify for the Southern Regional Finals. We went to see Peter play his violin as part of the school orchestra. Daniel has got a college place. Reuben went to a celebrity launch party for a new ride at the London Dungeon which was a bit rubbish (the party, not the ride), but also went to the Tower of London which was not rubbish at all. Benjamin hasn't got any work experience sorted out because the Junior School took so long to tell him he couldn't do it there that it was then too late to sort out anything else.

In short, life goes on. And I need to do something tangible so that when I see my boss tomorrow morning I can show her and say "Look at all the constructive work I have been doing", so I'll post this and get on.

Very quick update

Just a quick post in the expanding desert of post-free days. Benjamin's birthday today; fifteen years since we became parents of two. Going out for a meal at the Rising Sun soon, never been there to eat so hope it's OK. First day in ages that I did anything productive at work; I've committed myself to giving my boss a daily update on what I've been doing as a last-ditch attempt to stop myself procrastinating and wasting time. Also have given in and started taking Amitriptyline to get some sleep, which actually works! I don't want to take it for long, but the thought of having a couple of weeks of sleeping six or seven solid hours a night is worth it. Anyway better go and pick up Rachel from Brownies, and then get the boys organised and out.

Thirtysomething

Today is my last day of being thirtyanything; I don't feel quite as bad as I did but I'm still feeling kind of hopeless and what's-the-pointish. I'm at work today, having had two days off with stomach cramps and diarrhoea, and I'm looking at all the various stuff I've got to do and thinking how little I care about it. I'm sure that I can talk myself into seeing that doing these things will be useful for someone; it's just that my main (or only) motivation is to not get sacked because we need the money. I'm not sure how long it's possible to sustain working in a job that (a) I don't care about and (b) makes me feel physically sick with anxiety when I come into the building. I had a plan to try and earn money from creative writing, and once I had found someone who would pay me, to give up some hours in this job to have more time to write, etc; unfortunately I'm too busy/tired/miserable to get on with the writing, meaning that that plan may be a non-starter.

I'm going to see a hypnotherapist on Friday, who was recommended by my chiropractor; we'll see if his optimism is justified - he reckons he can have me feeling more positive in 5 or 6 sessions. Maybe just getting past the 40 barrier tomorrow will help; I've got a list of things I'd like to achieve, though I'm struggling to believe that I'll ever turn them from "things I'd like to do" to "things I've done".

6.53am

I don't like my job much, but I'm not the guy who was emptying the bins in Tesco car park in the dark and the rain at 6.53 this morning.