Hmmm (knee)

I've just come back from the doctor who has signed me off work because my knee is still not better. I'm really aware that I've not written anything much on here even though I've had time, hence the "hmmm" in the title: I'm not sure what my reluctance to blog is about. Maybe I just haven't got anything to say, although that's never previously stopped me from (a) blogging or (b) talking. Oh well. Andiamo in Italia fra dieci giorni; parlo un po d'italiano ma non conosco bene. E ho troppo di fare.

The Weather Man

Sat up last night because I was determined to eat bread and cheese and watch a movie and ended up watching The Weather Man, which was a miserable and disappointing experience. The central premise, that Nicholas Cage's character is searching for authenticity among the many pretences and false selves he creates, as symbolised by the weather man's blue screen, is lost in the movie's self-pitying whiny narcissism. The idea that we are an envious and violent society (people keep throwing things at Cage) which reinforces its own envy by creating media personalities fails to be explored satisfactorily - Cage sublimates his anger into archery, expresses it appropriately to the man who tried to abuse his teenage son, ends up "accepting himself for who he is" - while the subplot of the father's terminal illness and death which removes pressure for Cage to live up to his projected expectations of himself is poorly interwoven with the other strands of the story, jarring particularly because of Michael Caine's astonishingly bizarre accent. The whole experience felt akin to watching Gore Verbinski masturbate - potentially enjoyable if that's the kind of thing you like to watch, but you can't help feeling that he's having a whole lot more fun than you are.

Knee

We took Rachel to Gosport Ice Rink for her birthday party yesterday and I fell over and injured my knee. After a long wait in A&E to be seen by a doctor who didn't even examine me I was sent home with instructions about painkillers and rest. I was going to go to work this morning but a combination of diarrhoea and not being able to move fast forced me to re-evaluate that plan. So I've had a couple more hours sleep, but I'm still feeling generally sore and grumpy.

Sandwiches saltier than crisps

I learned several things from reading this article. One is that sandwiches may contain high levels of salt. Another entirely more surprising fact is that there is such a body as The British Sandwich Association. They have a website at www.sandwich.org.uk which also contains the definition of a sandwich and a chance to subscribe to International Sandwich and Snack News. I was, however, slightly perplexed that 'The British Sandwich Association also stressed that it was "it is not the sandwich industry's job to dictate to consumers what they choose to eat".' Quite apart from the BBC's mangled grammar, if the British Sandwich Association represent British sandwich makers, then what they choose to put in or leave out of sandwiches has a pretty profound effect on what people choose to eat. Of course, people want to buy unhealthy sandwiches (all day breakfast is tasty) and these will therefore make money for members of the BSA. Conveniently, this fits nicely with the myth that all people should have choice about all things all the time, so that the willingness to take people's money while raising their risk of a heart attack is made to sound as though your friendly neighbourhood sandwich maker is your last bastion against the Nanny State.

Overwhelmed

I've got so much to do, and so little time. I just feel utterly overwhelmed at the thought of all the stuff I've got to get done before we go on holiday in three weeks time; work stuff (really urgent or else I'm going to be in BIG trouble), home stuff (kind of essential or else we won't be able to go on holiday/won't have any clothes to go in/won't have anyone to look after pets/etc/etc), Open University stuff (will fail the course unless I catch up with the three units I'm behind and get my TMA done before we leave).

OK. Deep breath. Less timewasting, more organisation, less blogging and general online stuff, more work.

I really must get a mudguard fitted on my bike

because cycling to work through the current monsoon conditions means that although I have work clothes to change into, because I don't keep a change of underwear at work I spend the first couple of hours sitting in my own personal damp patch.

Hospital found! Balloon visited!

I couldn't resist posting this: two ambiguities in one headline.

Kylie!

Ms Minogue is going to be in the Doctor Who Christmas special.

Ticking jobs off the list

OK, started getting stuff done. Took the passport forms down to the Post Office in Hedge End for the "check and send" service; they say they have a two week turnaround time, so as long as the Passport Office don't query anything we should be OK to go here in four weeks time. I've taken some photos of the old caravan that's been sat out the back getting vandalised; I'll see if putting them on eBay will persuade someone to take it away for 50p.

I know that I can't really afford this time off work, and that I'm falling behind with MU120, but at least I'm starting to get some stuff done. One step at a time...

Eurgh!

Having a bit of a down week. Nothing wrist-slashingly major, just that all the things I've been putting off are catching up with me and leading to a generalised feeling of dread and incapability (is that a word?). However, I'll start knocking things off the list one at a time, and I'm moderately confident that life will be sunny again before you can say "You have eaten my best friend's goat" in Albanian (if you are Albanian or a fluent Albanian speaker, it might be slightly longer).

Last night we continued our mission to find an Italian restaurant for Rachel's birthday. So far we've tried La Dolce Vita in Hamble and Reggina's in Botley. La Dolce Vita have live music on Wednesdays, when we went, so we had to put up with a slightly annoying singer, but the food and service were good and it was reasonably priced. Last night at Reggina's we were put on a table near to the kitchen and the main entrance (despite having booked) so there was lots of coming and going right next to us, which wasn't conducive to relaxation. Although it looked more upmarket than La Dolce Vita, the food was not as nice and the service was indifferent, and it cost more. We'll see what else we can find between now and Rachel's birthday.

I thought I'd give Facebook a go, since Si has been saying how good it is for keeping in touch with people. I have to say it's not a site for the miserable and socially incompetent, simply reinforcing that everyone else has more friends than I do, and that they're all closer and more relaxed with each other than I will ever be. I'll give it a go, but as someone who finds it hard to do social networking in real life, it doesn't come easily online.

Friday afternoon

Not quite as fed up as yesterday, but cold and tired from cycling Bursledon to Ashurst and then back into Southampton, the last leg in the rain. A comfy chair in front of a log fire and a good book would do nicely now. Good grief, I sound like Eliza Doolittle. Loverly.

Fed up

Nobody puts any comments on Conversation, even when I email and ask them to. Most of the people who come don't seem to look at, never mind contribute to, the site. Visitor numbers do peak when I ask people to visit but half of them turn out to be random strangers.

I have teenage sons who moan when asked to do anything and don't appreciate what I do.

I have too much to do.

I feel miserable and hopeless, with the general feeling that things will pretty much carry on the same; not terrible but always vaguely not good enough.

WWJD

I think that one of the problems with asking what Jesus would do in any given situation is that we often don't know. For one thing, Jesus was a little unpredictable. People were surprised, even scandalised by his actions. So what we usually ask is "What do I think Jesus would do?" which comes down to our perception of Jesus and our own morality. I think that the honest version of the question is to ask what I would do if I was more like the person I think Jesus wants me to be. And that is what's been occupying my mind: moving away from asking how I can become different or better or nicer or holier, and moving towards asking what might happen if I allowed Christ to form me into his planned version of me. There's a whole lot of other stuff too about God wanting us to be ourselves, not some kind of holy clone; and what being made in the image of God is all about. But I'll try to put down those thoughts more clearly another time.

Caffeine and Christ

I'm still feeling ill after drinking way too much coffee at last night's Conversation. I was still hyped when we got to the pub but started a comedown during the quiz, which wasn't fun: when we got there I put seven or eight names on the picture sheet as soon as I looked at it; by the time we got to the results I didn't care if we won or not, I just wanted to go home and curl up in a ball. Of course when I did get home and go to bed, I still couldn't sleep for hours.

Had an interesting few moments during Conversation, when PV asked me how I thought my talk had gone, and other people around the table shared what they thought of it - or more specifically what it had been about. I know that people never hear exactly what I think I'm saying - on account of them not being me - and I'm sure that God uses what I say in order to push different people in different directions, but it was a shock to hear not only what people thought I'd said, but how they had made changes in response to it. A real "the medium is the message" moment: just because I was standing at the front, people attributed more importance to my words than I expected them to. PV also mentioned that he wants the new curate to do some "sermon training" with me, Si V, Jon Kitching and Anthony Scammell, which I think I feel enthusiastic about: at least I feel moderately enthusiastic about the chance to learn some stuff and try it out in practice, though less enthusiastic about the time commitment.

There's also a nagging worry for me that this is a big temptation to fall into Pride; another chance to start thinking how amazingly good I am at doing stuff for God: I know it's a very short step from there to doing stuff for me and my benefit. Being high on caffeine is a bit like being drunk, in that it does bring out the less nice side of me, and I suspect that I was coming across last night as more than a bit opinionated; I certainly think I was saying stuff that would make people think I was clever rather than help people to feel I was listening to them and trying to join them where they were.

At the moment my feeling is that if I can be brave enough and unselfish enough to genuinely give myself and my life to Christ, then he will help me to become who I am, far better than if I try to change myself. And if I truly become myself in Christ by relinquishing all claim on my own life, then (and only then) can I genuinely and effectively use who I am to serve God and others without being afraid that I'm still a spoilt child shoulting "Look at me! Look at me!"

Yesterday's Celebration

Well, I managed to stand at the front for 25 minutes or so and talk; Katrina said afterwards that it had a beginning, a middle and an end, and only one of each, so that was pretty good. In the end we had Philippians 1:12-18 as the reading, with the talk focussing on v18. I talked about why Paul had written this - the first time he was in Philippi he'd only been in jail a few hours before being supernaturally sprung, yet here he is under house arrest in Rome, and has been a prisoner for (probably) two years. In any event, Paul sees good coming out of this and rejoices to see Christ being preached. I emphasised that Paul is happy that Christ is preached, even by those with wrong motives, not that he is prepared to put up with false teaching. Then I talked about how easy it is for us to be consumers of church, picking and choosing among denominations and styles, and how this gets in the way of us rejoicing that Christ is being preached in so many different ways. Then I finished by saying that we are all church, so we should all be preaching Christ through our words, actions and attitudes, but that often we tend to preach a cuddly best-friend Christ, not a stumbling block Christ, or to preach about ourselves and our changed lives, rather than preaching the Gospel that changes other people's lives, or to preach the church that we belong to, or to preach morality and how we think people should behave; all of these things are important, but none of them are preaching Christ, and it is when Christ is preached that we can rejoice.

Anyway, that's the gist of it. I was meant to record it but I forgot to press the button on the CD recorder as I was getting up. A couple of people prayed afterwards and told me that it had challenged them to think about the way they do evangelism, so I hope that God was able to use what I said to do something helpful with them.

Next Sunday's Celebration (2)

Yesterday I was reasonably calm and happy about doing the talk next Sunday evening; now I'm more nervous. I know it's not a big deal - there will be maybe 20-30 people there, most of whom know me well and aren't going to be critical; on the other hand it is a big deal: I've been given the responsibility of giving people something that will be be important, because even though it's me standing at the front, it's me standing at the front.

I'm starting to realise that although I can probably talk for forty minutes, I'm not sure I have the theological depth to talk coherently and meaningfully for more than about ten. And judging by last night's post, I have a tendency to nastily split infinitives.

Would those of you who read this please pray for me? Thanks.

Next Sunday's Celebration

Peter V phoned me today and asked me to do the talk at next Sunday's Celebration. All the times I've listened to talks in church, and thought what I would do if it were me at the front; now's my chance to not try and compress everything I've ever wanted to say into one completely garbled 40 minute rant. When I do have any ideas, I'll see if I can put them on here.

Pentecost

Didn't manage to get to church this morning, despite it being one of the major church occasions, because we were back at The Point again to watch Rachel dancing her modern solo. Not really any pressure, since this isn't a qualifying festival, and she's already taking this dance to the Regional Finals next week, but we learned some things about what not to use for Rachel's hair. But apart from seeing my daughter on stage, one of the best bits of today was having a Sunday afternoon spending a couple of hours not doing anything much. No school uniforms to wash, too rainy outside to do washing in any case, nothing urgent at all. We'd already decided that we were too tired to go to the quiz - too many late nights and early mornings - and then it was a real bonus to have the boys asking me to play a game with them and just say "Um. Yes. OK then." Lovely.

Test

This is a bit of a trial run. I'm writing this on my new Nokia N95, just to see if it will work. It's a bit fiddly, but as long as it posts OK then I can blog from anywhere. Superb.

[Edited 25th May to add link]

Update: work

By the way, I'm already getting used to my new office, and it's not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I'm not surrounded by people who all know each other and ignore me - in fact, so far there's nobody at all sitting at the desks adjacent to mine!