Switchfoot's 'This Is Home'

From the soundtrack to Prince Caspian

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Sacre Coeur, Paris...

Sacre Coeur, Paris...

I'm just playing around with Flock and found that looking at "interestingness" for the Flickr feed in the media bar gave me options when I clicked on photos to blog them. So I clicked on this picture and lo and behold, it appears as a blog post. I think that I like Flock.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

St Leonards

Found this on Flickr
Just in case you don't know what it's supposed to look like, there are proper pictures here and here.

Lost generation

Very clever. Keep watching past the halfway mark.

How big would you like it?

Well, it amused me...

Faryl Smith

I usually dislike everything to do with Britain's Got Talent, just because it's the worst kind of car crash TV. But this 12 year old came on last Saturday and I reacted exactly the same way as the audience - just sat still and stared. Amazing.

"That is the war on terror" by Roy Zimmerman

A short manifesto

In the spirit of the previous post, here's an attempt at a list of reminders for myself.

1. Life is what you get to do, not what you've got to do.
2. That thing you're looking for... it's not in the fridge. No, it's not in the cupboard either.
3. Just because you feel stupid doesn't mean you are stupid.
4. The only way to be able to love is to be able to be loved.
5. Your ability or willingness to do a task will not magically increase if you leave it until tomorrow.
6. Work is rarely its own reward; laziness usually is.
7. You don't have a right to be right.
8. The shorter-term your thinking, the more time you will lose in the long term.
9. You will never have no distractions.
10. If you think you've got problems, you should try finding solutions.
    

My life as a to-do list

Image via WikipediaA week or so ago I was talking about all the things I had to do for the rest of that day (I think it was last time we had lunch at church) and I finished up with "and then I've got to go to the quiz", which was met with a general sarcastic response along the lines of "Oh gosh, that must be awful, fancy having to do that." Of course, that was the right thing to say to my rather silly remark - there are probably few things more tiresome than someone telling you how much they have to do, especially when the things they "have" to do are in fact pleasure and leisure - but I have been thinking since about the extent to which (a) I bore people by repeatedly telling them how much I have to do and (b) I actually think of my life as a long list of things I have to get done. To anybody who reads this who has had (a) inflicted on them: sorry, I will try and be more mindful of this in future; (b), on the other hand, is altogether more serious and scary. Am I really going through life looking at the wrong end of a never-ending list of stuff that has to get done? Do I really think of time with my family as just another thing that has to be done, so that I can then get on with something else? The answer to this one is, no, I don't - but I do often spend time doing stuff I enjoy while simultaneously thnking of the other things that I have to do that need doing. What's scary is that if my life is a list, I will never ever get to the end, will never tick everything off and feel pleased with myself for a job well done. Not today or tomorrow or next week, not when I retire or on my deathbed; I will never get to the end of the list, because the list isn't real, it's just a way of looking at life that actually robs me of opportunities for joy and leaves me overwhelmed with the crushing weight of twenty or thirty or forty years of endless bloody stuff to do.

Geoff and Tom on April

The other day I posted a tweet that was perhaps a little opaque.
Basically I was thinking of this:

WHAN that Aprille with his shoures soote

APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding

The droghte of Marche hath perced to the roote,

Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing

And bathed every veyne in swich licour,

Memory and desire, stirring

Of which vertu engendred is the flour;

Dull roots with spring rain.

Whan Zephirus eek with his swete breeth

Winter kept us warm, covering

Inspired hath in every holt and heeth

Earth in forgetful snow, feeding

The tendre croppes, and the yonge sonne

A little life with dried tubers.

Hath in the Ram his halfe cours y-ronne,

Summer surprised us, coming over the Starnbergersee

And smale fowles maken melodye,

With a shower of rain; we stopped in the colonnade,

That slepen al the night with open ye,

And went on in sunlight, into the Hofgarten,

(So priketh hem nature in hir corages):

And drank coffee, and talked for an hour.

Than longen folk to goon on pilgrimages

Zemanta (part 2)

Image by Boris Veldhuijzen van Zanten via FlickrStrangely, having said that Zemanta wasn't doing anything at all, the little orange rectangle on the side of this page has now turned into a panel of suggested pictures and articles, with some suggested links down near the bottom of this page. It looks as though I have to type 300 characters (don't know if that includes html for links etc) before it comes up with suggestions, but lo and behold I now have some suggested things to add to my blog post, so I'm going to click on them and see what happens.

Related articles

• Zemanta - A content suggestion engine for blogging [via Zemanta]
• Zemanta - Content Suggestion for Bloggers [via Zemanta]

Creme that egg!

OK, I know that it's slightly late for Easter, but it's good to see this kind of ingenuity at any time of year.

A Monday lunchtime thought

I have always mocked and talked disparagingly about people who win the lottery jackpot and say things like "I'll still go to work" or "It won't really change me", until I had a bit of an insight during counselling this morning. People who win a large amount and immediately give up work and move house are making a statement about their level of connection and commitment to their work and their community; the chances are that they have bought a lottery ticket because they are dissatisfied with their life and think that winning a large sum of money will make their life better. People who win a large amount but stay put (with some changes: more expensive holidays, buying houses for their children, etc) are also making a statement about their level of commitment to their work and community; it's likely that, along with the rest of the human race, they have had things they don't like about their life; the difference is that they have invested time and effort into finding a productive and satisfying job and/or a group of friends and becoming part of a community.

From this point of view, people who have invested in and engaged with their life are winners whether they have a lucky lottery ticket or not; people who are looking to the lottery to provide them with a whole new life may be losers even if they win.

Heroes series 1 in 210 seconds

Guns N' Roses

The last.fm blog has a post on their efforts to clean up metadata, especially where there are areas of contention - asking, for instance, how many ways there are to spell "Guns N' Roses - Knockin' on heaven's door" (they have a list of the top 100 ways!). They also have a list of the various tags for band name on Guns N' Roses mp3s here: familiar reading for anyone who's ever downloaded music less-than-legally (I'm told), but worth reading down to the bottom of the list!

Prophecy?

It has occurred to me a couple of times to think more closely about the tunes that get stuck in my head, especially when it's not a tune I've heard recently, or if it's something that keeps on for days, even if I listen to other stuff. What's interesting is that if I've stopped to think "What is this about? What is this saying to me?" then often the tune drops out of my head. Now I don't know if it matters if I think that this is a message from God or from my subconscious (or even if those have to be two separate things*), but maybe I should think more about stuff that just pops up in my head.

As an example, I've been reading N T Wright's "Following Jesus" and have been really struck by lots of passages (too many to quote here), especially ideas on fear and temptation, and how God's love provides the security we need in order to be able to follow Jesus. And the bit of tune that I've had stuck in my head these last few days?

"Every day, it's getting closer, moving faster than a rollercoaster
Love like yours will surely come my way".

My God is so cool, he uses Buddy Holly songs to speak prophetic words.

*Umm... I don't mean that my subconscious is God, or anything wild and scary like that, just that there is no reason why God can't use the stuff I'm already carrying around in my head to attract my attention

Zemanta

I've downloaded a Firefox plug-in from Zemanta. Apparently it makes adding pictures and links to blog posts simple, intuitive and fun. So far it's not done anything - but on the other hand I'm typing this at work, and the network is currently very slow, so maybe I'll just save this to draft and give it another go later.

Update: now at home, two days later, and all I've got is a pale orange rectangle next to the Blogger composition area. I am officially underwhelmed.

Blood, Sweat and T-Shirts

Go here. Watch the video clips. Watch the TV programmes (starts 9pm 22nd April, BBC3).

Nothing else to say about this.

Self-Improvement

I have discovered a great way to put off addressing personal issues: read about how to deal with personal issues. Your local library or bookshop will have dozens, if not hundreds of titles on improving your relationships, your emotional intelligence, your productivity; if you start looking online you'll never get to the end of all the web pages and blog posts about self-improvement, from the stirring and inspiring to the wacky and plagiarised. You can find quotations, exhortations, bullet points and diagrams, podcasts, animations and fifteen-step guides, all pointing you towards the new, improved and all-around better you. And if you think it's not for you, think again: everybody can benefit! And if you're not sure you deserve all these riches: you are a beautiful, unique and worthwhile person. And if it's all a bit too scary: hey, just feel the fear and do it anyway!

There is no alternative to the idea that I must want my life to improve. Why wouldn't I? I can overcome (with help) my fear and low self-esteem, improve my energy levels and de-clutter my life, until I no longer have any reason or excuse not to make my life better and better.

Don't get me wrong. Lots of this stuff is useful, and most of the time I'd like to feel better and happier. Some of the time I'd even be prepared to work for that goal. But sitting and thinking about how great my life could be, or how great it ought to be, is as unproductive and unhelpful as thinking how miserable my life is; sitting looking at cookery books when you're hungry doesn't fill your stomach.

Because all the major problems of the world have been sorted

This just makes me sad.

Theodore Roosevelt

Another pointed Roosevelt quotation: “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”

I've been reading a couple of Art of Manliness articles (here and here) about Roosevelt, and I have to say I do like his style. I'd heard the story before of him being shot in the chest, reassuring himself that it wasn't going to be fatal and going on to give a 90 minute speech, but although I agree with the commenter on one of the articles that it "makes me tired just reading about him", he's a pretty darn inspirational guy.

The Procrastinator's Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

Discovered on Wisdomquotes.com

Cheap GPS

From XKCD

++ Out Of Brain Error ++

Went over to the library to borrow some CDs. Thought, "It's a lovely day, I'll leave my coat in the office." Walked over to the library. It was, indeed, lovely weather. Got to the library. Returned last week's CDs. Browsed round the shelves. Thought "It's a lovely day, so I left my coat in the office... with my library card in the pocket."

The sooner we all get microchips implanted in our heads the better.

Work, necessity of

I saw a card yesterday that said "So you hate your job? Did you know there's a support group for that? It's called 'Everyone'. We meet at the bar." It quite amused me, and reminded me that not enjoying work is not a sign of underlying pathology (if everybody has the same pathology, that's referred to as 'being human'.) Along with my recent thoughts on procrastination I've also been thinking about how I feel about work in general. Now I have to admit that I've never been convinced by statements about the nobility of work; generally I tend to see the advantages of not doing anything much. But, to get all dialectical for a moment, it is possible that I've learned my attitude to inactivity by growing up in a society where work is the norm and time off is to be prized, and by living in a small house with many children, where there is never a shortage of things that need doing. So sitting around not doing much isn't necessarily good in itself, but seems an attractive proposition when contrasted with doing lots and lots all the time. Somewhere along the line I think I slipped over into doing-nothing-much-is-a-good-thing-in-itself land, where leisure, rest and downright indolence are an alternative to work, rather than a complement to work.

This seems important in a way that's hard to pin down.

In Bridge to Terabithia there's a quote that's attributed to Teddy Roosevelt: "Far and away the best prize that life has to offer is the chance to work hard at work worth doing." Work worth doing? Gosh, define that. Worth doing by whose standards? If mine, then does anyone else have to agree with me? If not mine, then is that really the "best prize"? And I've not even got started on "working hard". So I would love to dismiss statements like this as the kind of propaganda that keeps the proletariat enslaved, but there is something that it stirs in me, something that suggests maybe I was created to work, that happiness is not sitting by a stream all day, not even sitting there until I feel completely ready to go and get on with the working week, but is maybe closer to sitting by a stream on one day, after enough of the work for the week has been done.

Procrastination

I'm becoming increasingly fed up with myself for not getting things done. There are lots of reasons behind this, which is one of the things I've been talking about in counselling sessions recently (which may be why I'm getting more frustrated about it), but more often than not it comes down to a simple choice not to do something. There may be all kinds of payoffs for inaction (or alternative, displacement action) and there may be complex and longstanding learned behaviours at work; it may well be the case that I choose not to do something that will be boring or unpleasant; still when the moment comes when I could do something, I make the choice not to do it.

Maybe I should use this blog (or now that I'm into microblogging, use Twitter) to record some successes - things I actually get done - and give myself some positive reinforcement.

Twitter

You may noticed from the sidebar that I've started using Twitter. I'd put off using it because I really didn't see the point; I still don't see any point to it, but it both fun and incredibly addictive.

Agree with God

In a Scriptorium essay, Fred Sanders defines confession of sins as "agreeing with God". I have to say I quite like this idea: God already knows our sins, and has made the once-for-all sacrifice on the cross for their forgiveness. Confessing (like prayer, or spiritual discipline) is not primarily about "making up" after falling out with God, or beating ourselves up about how bad we are. It's about seeing ourselves and the world in a way that's closer to the way God sees us, which is what the Kingdom is about.

Zude

Since I read and watched Robert Scoble talking about Zude, I've been trying it out. I'm sure that if I knew more about how bits of the web work, I could do more with it, but I'm happy enough with what I've been able to do to take the step of setting up a new home page that I will now use in my hotmail signature file (does anyone ever click on that?) and my website address when commenting on blogs.

UPDATE: What I really want is to be able to import my Google Reader feeds into a "work" page on Zude, so that I can have one site for work and home, but that doesn't seem to be very easy (at least not for me).

Charity makes you feel good

...according to this item from the BBC

Joy and service

I'm sure that there is a deep and profound joy to be found in serving others, but it's hard to find it in the act of unblocking toilets, particularly when you can't seem to rid your hands of the smell of other people's faeces.

Ambivalence

From Google Reader, an ambivalent use of the word "they":

In case you can't read it on the picture above, it says: "Many hospitals across England report having to turn away women in labour last year because they were full".

Happy genes

An article by Reuters reports on a study that finds that half of the traits influencing our happiness are genetically determined. It goes on to say that

"People who are sociable, active, stable, hardworking and conscientious tend to be happier"

Hey, at least I'm stable. Well, fairly stable. Sometimes.

Damn.

Priorities

Compare the number of people who have a picture of their home, family or pets on their desk or computer at work, with the number of people who have a picture of their workplace or work colleagues on the wall at home.

Test post

This is just a test, playing around with humyo.com

You can't give away what you haven't got

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently but not a lot of writing, so this is me wanting to get at least a couple of thoughts down before I lose them.
I've been thinking about who owns my life; that is, who is in charge of it. Now I know that there are a lot of Christians (myself included) who would say, with a variable ratio of truth and hopefulness, "God is." Part of the problem is that it's often quite hard to put God in control of my life, even when I want to. I know that there's always a temptation to believe that I can make a better job of running my life than the omnipotent Creator Of The Universe could, but that's just pride and foolishness; I know that I resist letting God be truly in charge of some aspects of my life, like looking at the spreadsheet for the monthly finances and tweaking our giving so that the graph for the balance doesn't go south quite so fast, but that's just fear that God won't look after us (and some selfishness - shall I order pizza or give more to church?) What I've been thinking about are the areas that I really do want to give over to God, the things that well-meaning Christian friends tell me to "lay at the foot of the Cross." (As an aside, I've never yet asked "Erm... how do I do that, exactly", which may be the reason that nobody has ever told me exactly what laying something at the foot of the cross entails.) Anyway, there's a load of stuff that I would love to hand over to God, to give up, to put under his control, etc, but I don't seem to be able to do it, and I think that part of the reason that I can't give it to God is that it's not mine to give.
This is stuff that I'm still trying to think through, so this might not make a lot of sense, but it's based on ides about the areas of our life where we (through habit or upbringing or apathy) hand over control of ourselves to other people. As an example, consider a (completely fictional!) person who has low self-esteem. He doesn't think much of himself, and depends on what other people think of him - or, more accurately, what he thinks other people think of him. He puts a lot of time and effort into trying to create the right impression, and trying to work out what impression other people have received. If he goes to a Christian friend and talks about his chronic low self-esteem, that friend might advise him to give this issue over to God. And here's where I think the problem happens: my guess is that our fictional miserable man might come back to his Christian friend a week or a month later and say he's still finding life just as hard, and doesn't feel any better about himself. And my next guess is that this is because he has handed responsibility for his feelings to other people. How can he give something to God unless he owns it first? On the surface this is pretty basic: you can't give away something that doesn't belong to you, but the more I think about this, the more it seems applicable across a range of issues. How can you give your finances over to God if the bank/the balliffs/the people who decide prices at Tesco have more control over your finances than you do? How can you hand over your relationships if you still think that everything that happens in them is the other person's fault? Remember, making it all his/her fault is giving him/her all the power and responsibility; how can you hand over something you've already given away to someone else?
Now I'm sure that there are many people who genuinely have no control over the terrible things that happen to them, and I'm certain that God really is on the side of the oppressed, but I'm sure that for many of us middle-class, relatively wealthy and healthy Christians, there are a whole load of places where God has given us abilities and responsibilities that we have handed over to others and to the World, and then wonder why it's so hard to give them back to God.
Umm... I'm not sure how this goes from here. I know there's something about God giving us things so that we can give them back to him. Maybe the best example is the parable of the talents. The guy who hides his talent in the ground does so because he is "afraid"; he feels he has no control and so just buries his talent in the ground. I've heard this explained as a parable of how we must all use what God has given us, but perhaps there's also something about taking responsibility for what God has given us; being afraid and not taking responsibility means that we have nothing much to give back, and we lose what little we have. There's also something about the whole prosperity gospel thing, about the fact that God gives us stuff purely so that we can give them back to him, not so that we can hand ourselves over to the World's standards of wealth and comfort, but I think that that's enough for this post!

What the world eats

This is a photo essay showing what families around the world eat in a week. Apparently families recorded what they ate during the week, and then posed for a photo with the total week's food. Below each picture is the weekly food expenditure in dollars. Go compare.

The 12 days of training

I'd like to apologise publicly for my singing on this; I'm sorry, I couldn't help joining in.

Thursday lunchtime (thinking about heaven)

Using my lunch break to do a bit of blogging; been doing a lot of thinking recently, much of which is related to therapy, so will not be in the public domain, but has brought me back to ideas about control and frustration, and what happens when the "real" world (the world-as-experienced) is different from SteveWorld™, where everything happens the way I want it to and everyone feels the way I think they should. Apart from my personal stuff, it did make me think about the way in which everyone, to some extent or another, has their own version of [Insert Name Here]World. We wouldn't feel disappointed or angry or frustrated or outraged unless the world-as-experienced was different from the world-as-we-think-it-ought-to-be. This isn't really news when we're thinking about this life; however, I think that there's a temptation to carry on doing it when we're thinking about heaven. Once we get beyond ideas about people in dresses sitting around on clouds, I think that there's a tendency to think about heaven as a place (/situation/experience) where we are happy and have our needs met and there's no more mourning or crying or pain; a place where life-as-experienced is exactly the same as life-as-we-think-it-should-be. Heaven gets sold as always doing the things you love best and feeling happy and never being bored. But I'm not too sure about this now. Jesus pretty much says that eternal life is exactly not all the best bits from this life, and there's lots of stuff in the gospels about treating other people in ways that might not make us happy, or about being prepared to give up everything. Maybe the joy of heaven is the joy of being with God, reunited in the one relationship that eternally tells us the uplifting truth of who we really are, recreated and renewed as we were intended to be made by the One who doesn't make mistakes; but maybe this means that the joy of heaven is joy for those who feel a reflection of that joy here in this life; heaven isn't eternal golf for fanatical golfers and eternal dancing for clubbers and eternal Sunday morning lie-ins for parents: heaven is being with God, and if being with God isn't your highest and greatest and best happiness here and now, then maybe heaven won't be for you.

OK, obviously need to do a lot more thinking about this, but I'm trying very hard to do work stuff during work time, and I've already exceeded my allotted lunch break so I'll have to stop.

Shrove Tuesday (2)

Because our children are scattered all over the place doing various activities on Tuesday evenings, I got up at 6.15am so that everyone could have pancakes for breakfast. Do I like being a dad? Absolutely. Do I wish it didn't involve being quite so tired? Oooh yes.

Shrove Tuesday

It occurs to me that Shrove Tuesday is the best day for procrastination: I will be self-disciplined, I will undertake all manner of improvements both spiritual and physical, I will mark each day with acts of self-denial, but best of all I will not start these things until tomorrow. It's not clear from the Gospels how long it was between Jesus' baptism and his forty days in the desert: Mark (of course) says that it was "at once", Matthew has "then", while Luke chooses to put his genealogy in at this point and has Jesus returning from the Jordan and then being led into the desert. It is quite nice to imagine Jesus saying to himself "I've got forty days of fasting and temptation coming up - I think I'll have a nice bath."

Slightly more seriously, reading these accounts reminds me that the forty days comes immediately after the affirmation of Jesus as loved by God. We can't know how different Jesus' relationship with his Father was when he was on earth from when he was/is the second person of the trinity; maybe he was in exactly the same relationship of eternal unequivocal love throughout all of his life and the affirmation was for the benefit of those listening, but maybe, being human, it was important to hear that he was loved, even if he knew it anyway. However, one important point that I need to bear in mind is that acts of self-discipline come out of the security of being loved, not the other way round. I don't get my relationship right with God (and therefore my relationships with myself and with others) through self-discipline: I undertake self-discipline becasue the desire to do so arises from the sure and secure knowledge that I am loved. There is a world of difference between buying chocolates and flowers for someone to make them love you and buying chocolates and flowers for someone because you love them.

Hema

If I ever go to Holland, I am going to shop in Hema, purely on the strength of this advert. Wait for a while after the page loads.

Oh dear oh dear oh dear

I managed to have a genuinely psychotic experiene the other day: I was driving along when I saw a silver Espace pulling out of a junction ahead. Often when I see this I forget that we only have one car, and I think "Oh, there's Katrina" (usually followed by looking to see if it actually is her, then remembering that in fact I'm in the Espace). On this occasion though I clearly remembered that we only have one car, because I saw the other vehicle and my first thought was "Oh, there's me."

I offer no excuse for this (though I was tired, distracted, etc, etc).

And the winner is...

Bursledon Players have decided that they will submit my short play, And the winner is..., to Totton Drama Festival. I'll be directing it. We had a casting session last Thursday which was markedly under-attended, leaving me needing to phone people and appeal for them to please take on a part. I've also said that I will direct that play and one or two other short plays for the April Bursledon Players production.

openSUSE

I finally have the openSUSE install program running on the Compaq Armada 1750 that I bought before Christmas. It turned out that it was nothing to do with the BIOS, nothing that needed any of the hoops that I've been jumping through. It just needed me to read this, and in particular the bit that says

"Microsoft Windows users
Windows XP can't burn ISO images without third party software."

Maybe this could be a little bit more obvious for first time users? Because lo and behold, as soon as I used the recommended software to burn the image (rather than simply copying it to a disk), it ran the install from the CD with no problem at all.

Family lives in haystack for four years

I saw the headline for this story in the "most popular" sidebar on Reuters and I just loved it, especially the detail about keeping a child off school so he didn't have to draw his house. The world is full of fantastically wacky people.

Therapy

Went for an introductory session with a guy called John Baker at the GP surgery this morning. Unsurprisingly, talked about addressing my needs rather than just trying to placate them with chocolate, hopefully it will be useful for looking at some of my recurrent Romans 7:15 moments.

"Searching For God Knows What" by Donald Miller

After enthusing over "Blue Like Jazz" and getting everyone I could to read it, I thought I'd put a bit on here about "Searching For God Knows What". Quite often I'll read a book I really like through once quickly and then again more slowly, but I have to admit that I had to read "Searching..." again from the beginning before I understood some bits of it. This has a lot to to with Donald Miller's style: he offers lots of fragmentary episodes and thoughts and it's only after picking up quite a lot of the pieces and looking at them that I was able to get an idea of the whole picture. Then again, one of the clear aims of the book is to talk about why Christian self-help books, or a theology of three easy steps, are missing the point, so there's an (I guess) conscious avoidance of that kind of formula. Basically he expands on some of the ideas in "Blue..." and looks in more depth at what it means to have a relationship with God as a person, rather than as some kind of heavenly vending machine, giving out miracles and tickets for heaven in return for the appropriate amounts of faith and prayers. There's an assumption that, as an unregenerate social constructionist, I was happy to go along with, that we are created so that someone or something else tells us who we are. So we're intended to find our identity through the first and only perfect relationship: with God, in Eden. But then sin spoils this, and from then on we're spending all our time looking for someone or something else to tell us who we are. Miller uses a couple of different analogies to talk about the effect of sin: Chernobyl and Mount St Helens. Both are examples of a one-off catastrophe that has ongoing effects, and Miller says that this is like the effect that sin has on the human heart: we're conscious that we've become imperfect, and so we get into one of the main themes of the book: the lifeboat game. This is the game that still often gets played with small children and at team-building events - you have to imagine that there are certain people in a lifeboat, and one of them must die if the others are to live. How to make the decision about who is to die; in other words, how do we make decisions about other people's (and our own) worth? Miller goes into a lot of depth about the different ways that this game gets played out, and in how many areas of life we compare ourselves and others; how putting others down, establishing who is "in" or "out", distinguishing between one kind of person and another, are all part of the lifeboat game. We may know we're doing it, but we still do it as long as we're aware that sin has somehow ruined us, has separated us from the one perfect relationship that lets us know who we are. We still try to find our place in a pecking order, desperate not to be down at the bottom and having our worst fears about ourselves confirmed by a jury of our peers. The message of Jesus, in this context is this: Stop playing the lifeboat game. Give up trying to be rich - give away your goods to the poor. Give up trying to be in with the right crowd - go and spend time with the people nobody else wants. Be small, be last, be as unimportant as a little child in a grown-up world. And do this, not because it's a step in a four-step programme, or because it's a spiritual discipline, but because Jesus through the cross has taken away the sin that scarred and disfigured you, and through the resurrection has opened up the way to a relationship with the Father that can truly let you know who you are, and through the Spirit is transforming you more and more into the likeness of the One in whose image you are made.

Now this (especially the last bit) is my understanding of "Searching..." rather than an accurate precis, and is more a statement of how it is fitting in with my thinking at the moment anyway. As Miller points out, in this book and elsewhere, relationships with real people are much scarier than interacting with a vending machine, and I suspect that a lot of the time I still think of God as some kind of unpredictable/benificent/powerful vending machine, rather than as a person whom I would like to get to know better. I'm encouraged, however, by this book and others, to keep taking steps towards finding out more about who God is, and finding myself more in him.

100

This is the 100th post on this blog, and to mark this occasion I've just sat and read all of the previous 99 in order. Gosh, don't I go on and on and on about the same old stuff! There are a couple of pieces in there that I think are worth reading, that make me think I'm glad I wrote that thought down. Sadly these are the minority of posts, and I feel quite ambivalent about the fact that I am not very different from how I was 15 months ago. I'm pleased that I don't feel quite the same way, that I have moved on; on the other hand it's sobering to see that I haven't really changed very much, and that a lot of the things that I think are "progress" are simply reworking the same old ground. Maybe one good thing is that I'm more hopeful, that joy is still a transient experience (which I think is one of the characteristics of joy anyway, but that's a subject for one of the next 100 posts), but a slightly more common one. Now to see if I can manage to get to post number 200 before April 2009!

An observation

The unavoidable deep puddles that result from heavy rain are no fun for those of us who have holes in their shoes which let in water and who will have cold wet feet all day

Eschatology escapology

We were joking in the car last night about the possibility of escapochatology: the study of how to get out of the end of the world. Weirdly, today I followed some random links and found this.

Monday morning

I'm struggling to stay awake this morning, even worse than the average Monday. It wasn't that long after midnight that I went to bed, but the 6:30am alarm interrupted a really bizarre dream, and I felt as though I hadn't slept that well. Still, we did win the quiz again (quite a common occurence these days - we're becoming the new Monkey Tennis), partly due to James coming to join us. It's a good feeling to be part of this little group who get together on Sundays. Realised last night that we're not going to be there next Sunday because we'll be with Rachel at the Fonteyn Nureyev Young Dancers Competition. I'd totally lost track of the fact that that is next Sunday. Mind you, I seem to be temporally disorientated at the moment anyway: having remembered that we're not here next Sunday evening, I then spent five minutes worrying about who was going to do what at Conversation, until it occured to me that that is on the third Sunday of the month - and earlier I'd told several people that I'd left decorations up past Twelfth Night because I spent several hours believing that it was the 7th January yesterday.
Perhaps I should go and work in Japan.

A picture is worth several dozen words

Sometimes I really miss my camera phone. Walking through town I passed the window of Ann Summers and realised that no matter what my verbal skills, there was no way that a simple description of a large window, with two mannequins in minimal bikinis emblazoned with the word "Sale" partly obscured by a large sign saying "Extra 20% taken off today only" would work even a fraction as well as a picture. Oh well. Feel free to use your imagination...

The world has not been designed to my specifications

Went over to Asda yesterday to buy some lunch (why is it that you can buy a French baton loaf and a piece of reduced-because-nearly-out-of-date Brie for 72p but people still buy cheese sandwiches for four times the amount?) and felt annoyed at a group of people who were dawdling along speaking a language that I didn't recognise. Just for a moment I caught myself feeling like they ought to be speaking English, and then I felt guilty for not embracing a diverse and vibrant multicultural society and acting like some kind of Daily Mail hatepig. But thinking about it later, it occured to me that a lot of the things that I don't like are a reflection of how I feel the world ought to be; secretly I'd quite like the world to be filled with people who have similar attitudes and behaviour to me (and I tend to feel uncomfortable or unhappy with people from very different social and cultural backgrounds). There are lots of things that I feel negatively about, not because they're intrinsically bad, but just because I wouldn't do them. I'm not sure that this is anything more that the rather profundity-free thought that "There are some things I don't like because I don't like them"; on the other hand I suspect that it's worth examining some of my prejudices, to see if they fit with a wider (Christian) worldview: I don't like graphic depictions of violence (generally violence perpetuates rather than solves problems, repeated exposure desensitises people), but on the other hand I don't like smelly people (I'd quite like them to wash for my benefit, I dislike them rather than the poverty/low self esteem that is causing them to be smelly in the first place).

Happy New Year

Good grief! I've just looked at this blog and realised that I hadn't posted anything since November, and that wasn't exactly chatty and uplifting. Thankfully, I'm feeling more positive than I did back then, so I will try and put slightly more on here in the next few weeks and months. This isn't a New Year's resolution: I haven't made any, partly because I never keep them, but also because I'm a chronic maker of resolutions, and I know that keeping on saying to myself "From now on, I will/will not do x any more" is often another way of saying "I don't like myself because I do/don't do this thing", which then means that when I don't keep that resolution, I've confirmed what a no good/unreliable/unlikeable person I am. So, no resolutions.

Not that this means I'm not aiming to be more like the person I was created to be, or that I don't want to improve my relationships, or that there is nothing I want to achieve. But rather than setting a list of tasks and targets, I'm more interested in developing my relationship with God and allowing him to change me. That way, the things that I do more or less of are outward signs of internal change, rather than things to beat myself up with.

Absence of anything

Sorry I've not posted much. The thing with being depressed is that I'm, well, depressed. One result of this is that I don't feel much like blogging. Or to be more accurate, I do feel like blogging but I don't actually get around to it, because doing anything, even stuff I want to do, feels like too much effort and I put everything off that I possibly can.

So anyway, there you go.

Tired

I went to bed at 11.30 last night. I got up at 6.30 this morning, went back to bed at 9.00 and slept until midday. I then dozed some more until about 1.30 when I reluctantly got up. I'm still tired.

Ups and downs

One of the things I really hate about depression is that when I have a down couple of days, it feels so much like things will never improve. If I was down all the time, or if I had an Eeyore personality, then I presume either I'd think that things might get better one day, or I'd give up entirely. But when I have a few good days, or a good week, and then go back to feeling sluggish, lethargic and hopeless, it feels so much worse. I guess that one of the first things to go in a down spell is the belief that I can do anything about it. Being happier seems to go along with feeling more in control, more able to get things done. Being down inevitably goes with feelings of being overwhelmed, of not being able to make anything better, no matter how much I want to.

Hope springs eternal, just not very high.

Dawn

Well I haven't been here for a while

Bah. I am so tired, I am flicking through Facebook pages without any clear idea of what I think I'm doing there. I can't go to bed for at least another hour because I have to pick up Daniel from Emfest at about 11pm, and then go up to Park Gate to bring Benjamin and Reuben home from roleplaying. Bah, bah and bah again.

On the other hand, I'm 90% sure that I want to train as a plumber with these people after their rep came to see me today. I need to do a bit more checking out about whether it is as good as they say, but it looks as though I might be able to change career.

Me in a nutshell

I read hopeful, inspiring books on Christian spirituality so that I can spot myself in the negative descriptions of what not to do or what happens when things go wrong; so I can think "Yep, that's me. Wow, am I messed up!"

And nine times out of ten if I see someone I know in Tesco I look the other way and pretend I haven't seen them.

Talk Like A Pirate Day

Today is Talk Like A Pirate Day, which explains why my oldest son went off to college looking like this

I think that the red eye only improves the close up picture

Friendships

I've just finished reading Donald Miller's "Blue Like Jazz", and can't wait to turn back to the beginning and start reading it again. Sometimes I love the way that God works. I decided to check my hotmail and there was a message from the library to say that one of the three books that I ordered on inter-library loan had arrived, so over I went to the Library to find that Redcar and Cleveland Library Service had very kindly lent me their copy until 7th December. So I decide to have a quick look through, and what do I find, but a whole load of engagingly-written stuff about loving enemies, about how self-discipline doesn't get you anywhere without allowing yourself to be loved by God, about how it feels to be pretty much totally obsessed with yourself and your own needs and how destructive this turns out to be? Wow. All the stuff I've been thinking about recently, tied together and expressed much more eloquently than I could have done.

Anyway, I was walking back over from the Library when I had a sudden thought. For a long time I've had issues about the way that the Church repeats Jesus's idea of God being a father, sometimes without much consideration for the growing numbers of people who have either no experience of having a father, or have had very bad experiences involving fathers. I think that we as a church need to be careful to say that when you know your dad isn't perfect, that's because in some way you're comparing him to what you think a perfect dad should be like, and that idea of the perfect Dad is one way of understanding God. Anyway, I was crossing the road and thinking (as is my habit) moderately miserable thoughts about friendships and how rubbish I am at them and never really believe that people actually like me (apologies to anyone who is reading this who considers themselves to be my friend: it's not you, it's me), when it occurred to me that if people who have issues about "God is like a Dad" need some extra care, then maybe people like me might well have some issues around "My Friend Jesus". Now, I know that this sounds pretty basic, duh, but it has never ever occurred to me before that if I spend my life thinking that some people like me and quite a lot of people tolerate me, but friendships are things that only happen to other people, then it might conceivably affect the way I look at my relationship with God. Because I don't keep in touch with people (the only person from my past who I have any contact with - excluding a couple a generic Christmas letters - is my friend Julie who sent me an email a couple of weeks ago, after not hearing from me for about four years: apart from that I have no friends from school, from previous jobs or homes or churches) I assume that nobody would want to keep in touch with me. There is nobody I would call on in a crisis or ring up to ask if they wanted to go for a drink. And I assume that God has the same kind of relationship with me, which I know intellectually is weird and wrong but nevertheless I will go away and think about this some more.

Extemely lucky

I'm sitting here in my kitchen, typing on my work laptop which is attached to my home wireless network, having drunk a couple of espressos and eaten far too many chocolate biscuits, and although this is a treat rather than an everyday occurence, it occurs to me that globally speaking I am part of a tiny privileged minority.

Maybe I should be mindful of this more often.

Enemies

I've been thinking off and on about the whole idea of loving enemies. We're instructed to do this, but I feel that individually and as a church we're not very good at it. We don't have intercession prayers for those who mistreat us, and while doing good to others by, for example, supporting Fair Trade is important, we don't give much priority to doing good to those who hate us. Part of the problem might be defining who our enemies are. Is it the person who steals our credit cards or the gang that shouts out abuse at us? Is it the boss who takes advantage of us or the older kids at school who bully us? Is it the transnational corporation that pumps images we don't want at us or is it consumer culture that encourages debt and reliance on the things of this world? I try now and then to pray for people who do things I don't like or approve of, and if there's a story on the news I sometimes pray for the perpetrators as well as the victims of outrages, but I struggle with knowing what practical love for enemies would look like. And what does it mean for the church? My impression is that we might pray for people who do wrong to see the error of their ways, or pray for justice (which often means hoping that people who hurt us will get punished), but we seldom, if ever, pray for blessings on those who curse us.

I don't have an answer for this. Should the church give some money to Stonewall or send Richard Dawkins a birthday card? Seriously, it's easier to define the church's enemies globally and nationally (those who persecute christians, organisations that promote anti-religious propaganda), but how do we decide who our enemies are locally so that we can go out and do good to them?

I don't know... maybe this is just me getting on my high horse; maybe if I went to the Monday night prayer meeting I'd find that they regularly pray for enemies there. But the idea won't leave me alone. Hmmm. Maybe I should mention it to PV. Or not (at least until I manage to get to a Monday prayer group).

A bit of thinking

A lot of the things I've been reading recently around "emergent" Christianity have brought my thinking back to ideas around why we often do things wrong, and why we should bother trying to do things right. Of course, this isn't an emergent idea as such, or even a Christian one, but I've found that the books and web pages that I've looked at have generally been concerned with how to live as a Christian today, and that includes revisiting some of these old questions. One of the main reasons for re-examining basic ideas like this is the move to what has been called "post-Christendom": a society in which Christianity is once more a minority religion and it is no longer the case that politicians and policy-makers "should" make decisions based on Christian values simply because a small group of people say so. So the moral and ethical standards that were part of society in the culture of Christendom are no longer taken for granted, and we have to ask similar questions to those asked by the Early Church, including variants of "Why shouldn't I just do what everyone else is doing (especially since they seem to be enjoying it so much)?" Of course, this applies, and has always applied, on a personal as well as a social level: "What does it mean to live a good life?" and "Why is it important?" are for every single person to answer in a way that makes sense to them. I think that the Good News is that there is a way to find an answer that makes sense; I also think that the questions have to be asked.

I feel like the church is trying hard to keep going with a Christendom mindset, that they are telling people what they must and should do, with the threat of a punishment in Hell that a lot of people don't believe in or the promise of a reward: either in a heaven that people don't believe in either or in a life of contentment and purpose that people feel they can attain in dozens of other ways without having to believe in anything at all.

And that, I think, is the problem: the church tells people what they have to believe, and makes decisions (or says that God makes decisions) based on what they believe. The question "Have you accepted Jesus as your saviour?" is a question about what you think is true. Now I'm sure that we are saved by faith - but this is faith as opposed to deeds, not faith that saves us by affirming a credal statement. I have no idea about whether or not God will make decisions at the Last Judgement that involve a record of whether people acknowledged Jesus as Lord, but there is some evidence that that won't be the only criterion. And a church that preaches salvation only as going to Heaven, or as being saved from Hell, has already lost those who don't believe in Heaven and Hell, just as a church that tells people they can be happy now will be told that sex or drinking or friends or career satisfaction is making people happy enough thank you very much. I did a talk a while back about Paul being happy that Christ was being preached, no matter what the motivation of the preacher; I mentioned then that I think our testimonies and our example do not transform people's lives; it is Jesus Christ that does that. And more and more, as I read and think about this, I become convinced that religion doesn't save people. Christianity never changed anyone. All the teaching and preaching and Bible reading in the world has never transformed a single life. Jesus does. Jesus saves us; Jesus changes us; Jesus transforms us. We do not become better people (whatever that means) by trying harder: we become the people we are intended to be through a relationship with the one who made us. We don't feel better or happier or richer or healthier by following the rules: our lives get closer to the picture of the way we should live that is in the Bible the closer we are to God. If a husband loves his wife (that is, he puts her wishes and needs before his own), then he will not be unfaithful; if he puts his own needs and wishes first, then it is more likely. If someone loves God, (that is, she puts His requirements and wishes before her own), then she will truly desire to follow the moral code as taught by Jesus; if she puts herself first then it is so much easier to follow whatever seems most attractive at any given moment.

I know that I have a lot more thinking to do about this, and that many many people have thought through all this before, often more coherently. But I really think that unless we get back to telling people less about church and more about Jesus, unless we follow Jesus instead of just following the rules, unless we give up trying to change and instead let ourselves be changed, then we, as a church, as the Body of Christ and his representation here on earth , have already failed in the mission he gave us.

I would never have thought of that

This article from the BBC discusses how technology may one day be able to replicate the systems that have evolved in geckos to allow them to walk up walls. Apart from reminding me how amazing the world is, it also amused me with the final sentence:

"people would probably suffer from muscle fatigue if they tried to stick to a wall for many hours"

Wow. Incredible. Thank goodness the science department at the BBC is here to tell me these things.

In other news, Katrina and I decided that we could take on slightly increased repayments, and so took the credit card out and bought a couple of new settees and some bits for the PC. I'm sure the settees are a good buy; the suite we've got was Amanda's cast offs when they bought their new suite, and it won't last long enough for us to save up to buy a new one outright. We decided to go for the mid-priced one that will hopefully last us the next five years rather than the really nice one that would have lasted longer but would have stretched the budget to the limit. PC stuff I think was worth getting: a new keyboard because the old one had several keys sticking also has the advantage of being a little quieter so Daniel's frantic typing on MSN won't drive us mad with the constant clacking of keys; the new graphics card looks smoother and when we tried it out on Sims 2 we didn't get the annoying flickering floors that we've had before; hopefully the more powerfully wireless router will mean fewer dropped connections on my N95 when the boys are playing games over the network, but we'll have to see. The only problem at the moment is the Netgear Storage Central which I've plugged in as per instructions but which the bundled software refuses to find. This hopefully isn't insurmountable but it's a pain to have to go through the whole uninstall/reinstall/take it to pieces and check the connections/do it all again with the firewall off/try it on each PC palaver that will take up my time when what I really want to do is just move all the media files that are filling up my hard drives onto one networked drive for everyone to access.

You'd think that even with my fairly limited experience I'd have learned that "Three simple steps" printed on the box actually means "A minimum of three steps if you have exactly the same conditions as we had in our labs; otherwise somewhere between three and forty-eight complicated steps with lots of backtracking". I just want to believe that it's going to be easy. And that humans can hang on walls for hours.

On the other hand...

I've just seen the following quotation here, and it fits beautifully with some thinking I've been doing about the idea of pilgrimage. If I ever get asked to do a talk at church again, that's what I'll talk about.

"To journey without being changed is to be a nomad. To change without journeying is to be a chameleon. To journey and be transformed is to be a pilgrim." – Mark Nepo

P.S.

And my knee hurts.

Work

Have I moaned recently about how much I hate my job? Moan, moan, moan, etc. Unfortunately saying "I hate my job" is simply a bit of convenient buck-passing; a way to avoid how I actually feel. This is easier to spot when someone asks me what I hate about my job. Is it the hours? The people? The amount of work? The environment? Do you have a horrible boss? At this point, if I'm being honest, I have to say that for the money I'm earning, the job is wonderful: regular hours (yes, there's an expectation that you will work evenings and weekends, but if you don't, nothing bad happens) - I work more or less 9-5 Mon-Fri and don't take work home with me; there is plenty to do, but nothing that I couldn't do in my working hours if I actually got on with it; I share a modern, well-designed and comfortable office with a whole bunch of people who are generally pleasant - I wouldn't call any of them friends - but then I can't think of anyone I've worked with in the last eight years or so who I would consider a friend; my boss is supportive well beyond the bounds of what she has to do in employment law. So what's the problem? The problem is that I feel anxious and miserable at the thought of going to work, and when I'm at work I spend most of my time wishing that I weren't there or putting off doing what I'm supposed to be doing because I feel so anxious and horrible that I want to run out of the door. And if it's not the work or the working conditions, that means it must be me. But then again, I don't feel this bad when I'm not at work: insecure and generally having a low opinion of myself, yes, but not feeling this bad.

The likelihood is that it's a combination of factors, or that I've learned to associate particular feelings with certain environments or behaviours, or that I can successfully project my negative feelings onto work. (All that money spent on therapy over the years wasn't wasted then!) The question, as always, is: What am I going to do about it?

And this is the point at which I run out of useful ideas. Yes, every morning I pray for the strength and the ability to put in a productive day at work, and every night I regret that I didn't try harder with what strength I had. Yes, I could look for another job - but what if I feel the same there? And in any case, few employers would take on someone with my absence record. ("What were your significant achievements in your last post?" "Umm...I turned up occasionally?") Yes, I ask my boss to be hard on me, to ask me what I've been doing if I can't show her anything productive from that day or that week, but it doesn't make me feel any better, it just adds another layer of worry and feelings of failure.

I know that this doesn't answer any questions, and I don't really believe that the catharsis of blogging will change anything; I wanted to post something and this is the main thing on my mind, that's all.

Working late?

Last night I had sat at the computer, got the home finances spreadsheet up to date, registered an interest in becoming a plumber, downloaded pictures from Katrina's phone, and was just starting a blog post about how I had a lot to write about but probably wouldn't have time, when there came a cry of "What are you doing now? Are you planning on spending all night on the computer?" So with a murmured "No dear of course not" I logged off instead. And now I'm writing this at work at 5.25pm, when the only people still here are deliberately staying late to send out emails with a ridiculous "Time sent" stamp on them. So I won't write any more, except to say that I have met our new curate James a couple of times and he seems like the kind of person I imagine having as a friend. He is here at "jamesthevicar", but is also at the endearing and interesting "rubberturnip.org.uk". I shall have to ask him about this. Right, it's now 5.33, so I shall send a quick email to my boss and then go home.

Beh

I've been away on holiday and had a nice time, and now I'm more or less back to everyday existence. I was going to post holiday pics etc on here but I'm suffering from a massive bout of cantbebotheredness. Beh.

Hmmm (knee)

I've just come back from the doctor who has signed me off work because my knee is still not better. I'm really aware that I've not written anything much on here even though I've had time, hence the "hmmm" in the title: I'm not sure what my reluctance to blog is about. Maybe I just haven't got anything to say, although that's never previously stopped me from (a) blogging or (b) talking. Oh well. Andiamo in Italia fra dieci giorni; parlo un po d'italiano ma non conosco bene. E ho troppo di fare.

The Weather Man

Sat up last night because I was determined to eat bread and cheese and watch a movie and ended up watching The Weather Man, which was a miserable and disappointing experience. The central premise, that Nicholas Cage's character is searching for authenticity among the many pretences and false selves he creates, as symbolised by the weather man's blue screen, is lost in the movie's self-pitying whiny narcissism. The idea that we are an envious and violent society (people keep throwing things at Cage) which reinforces its own envy by creating media personalities fails to be explored satisfactorily - Cage sublimates his anger into archery, expresses it appropriately to the man who tried to abuse his teenage son, ends up "accepting himself for who he is" - while the subplot of the father's terminal illness and death which removes pressure for Cage to live up to his projected expectations of himself is poorly interwoven with the other strands of the story, jarring particularly because of Michael Caine's astonishingly bizarre accent. The whole experience felt akin to watching Gore Verbinski masturbate - potentially enjoyable if that's the kind of thing you like to watch, but you can't help feeling that he's having a whole lot more fun than you are.

Knee

We took Rachel to Gosport Ice Rink for her birthday party yesterday and I fell over and injured my knee. After a long wait in A&E to be seen by a doctor who didn't even examine me I was sent home with instructions about painkillers and rest. I was going to go to work this morning but a combination of diarrhoea and not being able to move fast forced me to re-evaluate that plan. So I've had a couple more hours sleep, but I'm still feeling generally sore and grumpy.

Sandwiches saltier than crisps

I learned several things from reading this article. One is that sandwiches may contain high levels of salt. Another entirely more surprising fact is that there is such a body as The British Sandwich Association. They have a website at www.sandwich.org.uk which also contains the definition of a sandwich and a chance to subscribe to International Sandwich and Snack News. I was, however, slightly perplexed that 'The British Sandwich Association also stressed that it was "it is not the sandwich industry's job to dictate to consumers what they choose to eat".' Quite apart from the BBC's mangled grammar, if the British Sandwich Association represent British sandwich makers, then what they choose to put in or leave out of sandwiches has a pretty profound effect on what people choose to eat. Of course, people want to buy unhealthy sandwiches (all day breakfast is tasty) and these will therefore make money for members of the BSA. Conveniently, this fits nicely with the myth that all people should have choice about all things all the time, so that the willingness to take people's money while raising their risk of a heart attack is made to sound as though your friendly neighbourhood sandwich maker is your last bastion against the Nanny State.

Overwhelmed

I've got so much to do, and so little time. I just feel utterly overwhelmed at the thought of all the stuff I've got to get done before we go on holiday in three weeks time; work stuff (really urgent or else I'm going to be in BIG trouble), home stuff (kind of essential or else we won't be able to go on holiday/won't have any clothes to go in/won't have anyone to look after pets/etc/etc), Open University stuff (will fail the course unless I catch up with the three units I'm behind and get my TMA done before we leave).

OK. Deep breath. Less timewasting, more organisation, less blogging and general online stuff, more work.

I really must get a mudguard fitted on my bike

because cycling to work through the current monsoon conditions means that although I have work clothes to change into, because I don't keep a change of underwear at work I spend the first couple of hours sitting in my own personal damp patch.

Hospital found! Balloon visited!

I couldn't resist posting this: two ambiguities in one headline.

Kylie!

Ms Minogue is going to be in the Doctor Who Christmas special.

Ticking jobs off the list

OK, started getting stuff done. Took the passport forms down to the Post Office in Hedge End for the "check and send" service; they say they have a two week turnaround time, so as long as the Passport Office don't query anything we should be OK to go here in four weeks time. I've taken some photos of the old caravan that's been sat out the back getting vandalised; I'll see if putting them on eBay will persuade someone to take it away for 50p.

I know that I can't really afford this time off work, and that I'm falling behind with MU120, but at least I'm starting to get some stuff done. One step at a time...

Eurgh!

Having a bit of a down week. Nothing wrist-slashingly major, just that all the things I've been putting off are catching up with me and leading to a generalised feeling of dread and incapability (is that a word?). However, I'll start knocking things off the list one at a time, and I'm moderately confident that life will be sunny again before you can say "You have eaten my best friend's goat" in Albanian (if you are Albanian or a fluent Albanian speaker, it might be slightly longer).

Last night we continued our mission to find an Italian restaurant for Rachel's birthday. So far we've tried La Dolce Vita in Hamble and Reggina's in Botley. La Dolce Vita have live music on Wednesdays, when we went, so we had to put up with a slightly annoying singer, but the food and service were good and it was reasonably priced. Last night at Reggina's we were put on a table near to the kitchen and the main entrance (despite having booked) so there was lots of coming and going right next to us, which wasn't conducive to relaxation. Although it looked more upmarket than La Dolce Vita, the food was not as nice and the service was indifferent, and it cost more. We'll see what else we can find between now and Rachel's birthday.

I thought I'd give Facebook a go, since Si has been saying how good it is for keeping in touch with people. I have to say it's not a site for the miserable and socially incompetent, simply reinforcing that everyone else has more friends than I do, and that they're all closer and more relaxed with each other than I will ever be. I'll give it a go, but as someone who finds it hard to do social networking in real life, it doesn't come easily online.

Friday afternoon

Not quite as fed up as yesterday, but cold and tired from cycling Bursledon to Ashurst and then back into Southampton, the last leg in the rain. A comfy chair in front of a log fire and a good book would do nicely now. Good grief, I sound like Eliza Doolittle. Loverly.

Fed up

Nobody puts any comments on Conversation, even when I email and ask them to. Most of the people who come don't seem to look at, never mind contribute to, the site. Visitor numbers do peak when I ask people to visit but half of them turn out to be random strangers.

I have teenage sons who moan when asked to do anything and don't appreciate what I do.

I have too much to do.

I feel miserable and hopeless, with the general feeling that things will pretty much carry on the same; not terrible but always vaguely not good enough.

WWJD

I think that one of the problems with asking what Jesus would do in any given situation is that we often don't know. For one thing, Jesus was a little unpredictable. People were surprised, even scandalised by his actions. So what we usually ask is "What do I think Jesus would do?" which comes down to our perception of Jesus and our own morality. I think that the honest version of the question is to ask what I would do if I was more like the person I think Jesus wants me to be. And that is what's been occupying my mind: moving away from asking how I can become different or better or nicer or holier, and moving towards asking what might happen if I allowed Christ to form me into his planned version of me. There's a whole lot of other stuff too about God wanting us to be ourselves, not some kind of holy clone; and what being made in the image of God is all about. But I'll try to put down those thoughts more clearly another time.

Caffeine and Christ

I'm still feeling ill after drinking way too much coffee at last night's Conversation. I was still hyped when we got to the pub but started a comedown during the quiz, which wasn't fun: when we got there I put seven or eight names on the picture sheet as soon as I looked at it; by the time we got to the results I didn't care if we won or not, I just wanted to go home and curl up in a ball. Of course when I did get home and go to bed, I still couldn't sleep for hours.

Had an interesting few moments during Conversation, when PV asked me how I thought my talk had gone, and other people around the table shared what they thought of it - or more specifically what it had been about. I know that people never hear exactly what I think I'm saying - on account of them not being me - and I'm sure that God uses what I say in order to push different people in different directions, but it was a shock to hear not only what people thought I'd said, but how they had made changes in response to it. A real "the medium is the message" moment: just because I was standing at the front, people attributed more importance to my words than I expected them to. PV also mentioned that he wants the new curate to do some "sermon training" with me, Si V, Jon Kitching and Anthony Scammell, which I think I feel enthusiastic about: at least I feel moderately enthusiastic about the chance to learn some stuff and try it out in practice, though less enthusiastic about the time commitment.

There's also a nagging worry for me that this is a big temptation to fall into Pride; another chance to start thinking how amazingly good I am at doing stuff for God: I know it's a very short step from there to doing stuff for me and my benefit. Being high on caffeine is a bit like being drunk, in that it does bring out the less nice side of me, and I suspect that I was coming across last night as more than a bit opinionated; I certainly think I was saying stuff that would make people think I was clever rather than help people to feel I was listening to them and trying to join them where they were.

At the moment my feeling is that if I can be brave enough and unselfish enough to genuinely give myself and my life to Christ, then he will help me to become who I am, far better than if I try to change myself. And if I truly become myself in Christ by relinquishing all claim on my own life, then (and only then) can I genuinely and effectively use who I am to serve God and others without being afraid that I'm still a spoilt child shoulting "Look at me! Look at me!"

Yesterday's Celebration

Well, I managed to stand at the front for 25 minutes or so and talk; Katrina said afterwards that it had a beginning, a middle and an end, and only one of each, so that was pretty good. In the end we had Philippians 1:12-18 as the reading, with the talk focussing on v18. I talked about why Paul had written this - the first time he was in Philippi he'd only been in jail a few hours before being supernaturally sprung, yet here he is under house arrest in Rome, and has been a prisoner for (probably) two years. In any event, Paul sees good coming out of this and rejoices to see Christ being preached. I emphasised that Paul is happy that Christ is preached, even by those with wrong motives, not that he is prepared to put up with false teaching. Then I talked about how easy it is for us to be consumers of church, picking and choosing among denominations and styles, and how this gets in the way of us rejoicing that Christ is being preached in so many different ways. Then I finished by saying that we are all church, so we should all be preaching Christ through our words, actions and attitudes, but that often we tend to preach a cuddly best-friend Christ, not a stumbling block Christ, or to preach about ourselves and our changed lives, rather than preaching the Gospel that changes other people's lives, or to preach the church that we belong to, or to preach morality and how we think people should behave; all of these things are important, but none of them are preaching Christ, and it is when Christ is preached that we can rejoice.

Anyway, that's the gist of it. I was meant to record it but I forgot to press the button on the CD recorder as I was getting up. A couple of people prayed afterwards and told me that it had challenged them to think about the way they do evangelism, so I hope that God was able to use what I said to do something helpful with them.

Next Sunday's Celebration (2)

Yesterday I was reasonably calm and happy about doing the talk next Sunday evening; now I'm more nervous. I know it's not a big deal - there will be maybe 20-30 people there, most of whom know me well and aren't going to be critical; on the other hand it is a big deal: I've been given the responsibility of giving people something that will be be important, because even though it's me standing at the front, it's me standing at the front.

I'm starting to realise that although I can probably talk for forty minutes, I'm not sure I have the theological depth to talk coherently and meaningfully for more than about ten. And judging by last night's post, I have a tendency to nastily split infinitives.

Would those of you who read this please pray for me? Thanks.

Next Sunday's Celebration

Peter V phoned me today and asked me to do the talk at next Sunday's Celebration. All the times I've listened to talks in church, and thought what I would do if it were me at the front; now's my chance to not try and compress everything I've ever wanted to say into one completely garbled 40 minute rant. When I do have any ideas, I'll see if I can put them on here.

Pentecost

Didn't manage to get to church this morning, despite it being one of the major church occasions, because we were back at The Point again to watch Rachel dancing her modern solo. Not really any pressure, since this isn't a qualifying festival, and she's already taking this dance to the Regional Finals next week, but we learned some things about what not to use for Rachel's hair. But apart from seeing my daughter on stage, one of the best bits of today was having a Sunday afternoon spending a couple of hours not doing anything much. No school uniforms to wash, too rainy outside to do washing in any case, nothing urgent at all. We'd already decided that we were too tired to go to the quiz - too many late nights and early mornings - and then it was a real bonus to have the boys asking me to play a game with them and just say "Um. Yes. OK then." Lovely.

Test

This is a bit of a trial run. I'm writing this on my new Nokia N95, just to see if it will work. It's a bit fiddly, but as long as it posts OK then I can blog from anywhere. Superb.

[Edited 25th May to add link]

Update: work

By the way, I'm already getting used to my new office, and it's not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I'm not surrounded by people who all know each other and ignore me - in fact, so far there's nobody at all sitting at the desks adjacent to mine!

Off-Road Disciplines

I've just finished reading Earl Creps' "Off-Road Disciplines: Spiritual Adventures For Missional Leaders". Although it's a book about the North American church, a lot of it is applicable here. There's a thread running through it about keeping Jesus as the focus, making sure that we're doing his will - checking that we're trying to get involved in Jesus' story instead of trying to make him part of ours. I've got it on inter-library loan, and I also have Dan Kimball's "They Like Jesus But Not The Church" to read, but the Earl Creps book is definitely one that having read it very quickly (I got it out of the library yesterday) I'd like to take my time over reading it again.

Moving at work

We're moving out of our old office at Central Health Clinic. At the moment I'm in the corner office on the first floor - the small windows in the brick wall at the front corner in this picture are to my right. I face the wall and can turn to my right if I want to talk to the other people in the room. Today we went over to Cumberland House, which is the building with the tree next to it. Again I have a corner office on the first floor (the windows at the front corner of the building that have no ground floor underneath them), but there's a big difference when you get inside. This is the inside of my new office - but this is only a small part of a huge room that has several islands of desks in it. My desk is the one furthest away, so that I'm sitting with my back to the corner, and can't look out of either window without turning round. I'm therefore looking at everyone else in the room. Even worse, all the other five desks in this island belong to the same team, so they all know each other. I'd turn the desk round so that it faces the window, except that the phone is plugged into the floor just underneath. I just hate the thought of being stuck with a whole load of people who know each other but whom I don't know at all, in huge open plan office, and no way of avoiding contact, not even a screen between the desks. There's no wall to stick anything up on, no way of personalising my space, no privacy.

I don't know whether I wish I'd done what most other people have done and been over to visit a couple of months ago, so that I was used to the idea; or to be glad that I haven't found out what it's like until now so that I have less time to dread it.